10.08.2008
Mood of the Moment: Undefinable
Music of the Moment: Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home
Stephen and I are now engaged. This surprised the Hell out of me, and at the same time, it was exactly what I needed. I mean, we both knew we'd eventually be married, and I never really saw the sense in buying some fancy ring now, when we already agreed that we weren't getting married until I was out of college. When he asked me, though, I couldn't help but accept, and I was absolutely walking on a cloud for the rest of the week. I didn't understand why, but all sorts of insecurities went away and I truly believed him when he said "I love you." He's done all sorts of things before, and said he loved me a lot of times...but I was always kind of wary. I always looked at all sorts of other girls and thought "wonder how long before he figures out I'm not quite as great as her." There was always someone else that was thinner, had better hair, liked the same things as him, was more laid back, had more money, or hell, even put out. I'd look at them and wonder how much longer he'd be willing to pay bills, work hard at a laborious job, and come home to a grouchy, uptight person, only to go to bed that night and get nothing but drooled on...but then when he asked me to marry him I realized he meant it. He was all teary eyed and stuttery, and he couldn't wait to tell everyone. We had always talked about how we would get married one day, and I thought I was happy with just that, but I think the reason I felt so sure when he purposed was because I saw that he wanted to tell everyone...he wanted this to be something official. The way he walked with my arm in his after that...the way he looked when he told his parents...I realized that he really, really means this....I know it sounds weird...but it means a lot to me.
So, needless to say, things are going pretty well for me at this point. I'm living in an apartment with Jared and Steve now, in my last year at DCCC, and legally old enough to drink. Basically, life's going pretty good...even if I am broke.
Much Love,
~D~
Music of the Moment: Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home
Stephen and I are now engaged. This surprised the Hell out of me, and at the same time, it was exactly what I needed. I mean, we both knew we'd eventually be married, and I never really saw the sense in buying some fancy ring now, when we already agreed that we weren't getting married until I was out of college. When he asked me, though, I couldn't help but accept, and I was absolutely walking on a cloud for the rest of the week. I didn't understand why, but all sorts of insecurities went away and I truly believed him when he said "I love you." He's done all sorts of things before, and said he loved me a lot of times...but I was always kind of wary. I always looked at all sorts of other girls and thought "wonder how long before he figures out I'm not quite as great as her." There was always someone else that was thinner, had better hair, liked the same things as him, was more laid back, had more money, or hell, even put out. I'd look at them and wonder how much longer he'd be willing to pay bills, work hard at a laborious job, and come home to a grouchy, uptight person, only to go to bed that night and get nothing but drooled on...but then when he asked me to marry him I realized he meant it. He was all teary eyed and stuttery, and he couldn't wait to tell everyone. We had always talked about how we would get married one day, and I thought I was happy with just that, but I think the reason I felt so sure when he purposed was because I saw that he wanted to tell everyone...he wanted this to be something official. The way he walked with my arm in his after that...the way he looked when he told his parents...I realized that he really, really means this....I know it sounds weird...but it means a lot to me.
So, needless to say, things are going pretty well for me at this point. I'm living in an apartment with Jared and Steve now, in my last year at DCCC, and legally old enough to drink. Basically, life's going pretty good...even if I am broke.
Much Love,
~D~
11.26.2007
Mood of the Moment: kind of introspective
Music of the Moment: none
Katie Norton.
I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....
yes I do.
She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...
dear lord, I'm crying...
I'm gonna go to bed now...
Goodnight,
~D~
Music of the Moment: none
Katie Norton.
I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....
yes I do.
She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...
dear lord, I'm crying...
I'm gonna go to bed now...
Goodnight,
~D~
11.08.2007
Mood of the Moment: thoughtful
Music of the Moment: All the Same - Sick Puppies
"People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you'll lose her."
I think he's finally got it. I think he's finally figured out that being a man, especially a man in love, isn't about what you can get away with, it's about having the will to do what you say and the spine to face the consequences when you dont. I think he finally realized exactly how powerful a punch it was for me to find out about the things he hid from me about Sarah. More importantly, I think he's figured out that what he did isn't wrong because I found out about it...it was just wrong period...and that that fact goes for everything. The ability to hide elude the consequences of any wrongdoing does not make it right, but in fact it makes it very much worse. I think he finally gets it. As far as I can tell it has been quite a while since he's kept anything from me. I've checked on a lot of things...checked his computer, verified his stories with other people, etc. He has not hidden so much as a single cigarette from me and I know that for a fact...I believe he's been coming to bed when he said he would, and not looking at anything on the computer he shouldn't be...
Hell, when we had an argument a while back, he stormed out and Justin chased him....and when he came back I thought he'd still be riled up but he just ran up and hugged me and appologized...when I asked him later what him and Justin had talked about he told me that he was sorry but that basically they had walked around the block and bitched about women...which I doubt he ever would have told me before...
ah well...I'm going to quit rambling now...
I just figured I'd share....
<3
D
Music of the Moment: All the Same - Sick Puppies
"People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you'll lose her."
I think he's finally got it. I think he's finally figured out that being a man, especially a man in love, isn't about what you can get away with, it's about having the will to do what you say and the spine to face the consequences when you dont. I think he finally realized exactly how powerful a punch it was for me to find out about the things he hid from me about Sarah. More importantly, I think he's figured out that what he did isn't wrong because I found out about it...it was just wrong period...and that that fact goes for everything. The ability to hide elude the consequences of any wrongdoing does not make it right, but in fact it makes it very much worse. I think he finally gets it. As far as I can tell it has been quite a while since he's kept anything from me. I've checked on a lot of things...checked his computer, verified his stories with other people, etc. He has not hidden so much as a single cigarette from me and I know that for a fact...I believe he's been coming to bed when he said he would, and not looking at anything on the computer he shouldn't be...
Hell, when we had an argument a while back, he stormed out and Justin chased him....and when he came back I thought he'd still be riled up but he just ran up and hugged me and appologized...when I asked him later what him and Justin had talked about he told me that he was sorry but that basically they had walked around the block and bitched about women...which I doubt he ever would have told me before...
ah well...I'm going to quit rambling now...
I just figured I'd share....
<3
D
10.22.2007
Just so anyone that reads this knows...
unless posted otherwise, I will be in retail hell every Sunday (6am-2:30pm), Monday (6am-2:30pm), Tuesday (4pm-12:30am), and Wednesday (4pm-12:30am)....
Bleh...
shoot me
unless posted otherwise, I will be in retail hell every Sunday (6am-2:30pm), Monday (6am-2:30pm), Tuesday (4pm-12:30am), and Wednesday (4pm-12:30am)....
Bleh...
shoot me
10.03.2007
You better crawl
on your knees
the next time
you say that you love me
fall on your knees,
cuz this time I won’t be so kind
can't you see that this is life
and life is killing me
is it yours? is it mine?
our sky fell down tonight,
to wash away our pain
tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
you better see
how evil you can be
when you see my evil smile
it's the one that you'll remember
when I am not so kind
can't you see that this is death
and death is saving me
I say burn all of your bridges
while you still have control of the flame
I know it's hard but you...
tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
you've hardened to the point
you're hard and to the point
tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
(hardened to the point)
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
(hard and to the point)
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
on your knees
the next time
you say that you love me
fall on your knees,
cuz this time I won’t be so kind
can't you see that this is life
and life is killing me
is it yours? is it mine?
our sky fell down tonight,
to wash away our pain
tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
you better see
how evil you can be
when you see my evil smile
it's the one that you'll remember
when I am not so kind
can't you see that this is death
and death is saving me
I say burn all of your bridges
while you still have control of the flame
I know it's hard but you...
tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
you've hardened to the point
you're hard and to the point
tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
(hardened to the point)
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
(hard and to the point)
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
9.13.2007
Mood of the Moment: kinda bleh...I'm sick
Music of the Moment: Steve grinding his teeth (he's asleep)
I feel like crap. I'm sick, and I missed school this morning even though I don't have anymore days to miss in this class because you can only miss two before it counts off of your grade. Also, last night was my last night at the theatre and packing up my drawer was somewhat depressing. I found out that I was who Randall would have picked for manager, which made me both happy and sad at the knowledge that I did deserve the job but didn't get it...oh well.
Yea, other than that, not much to report, aside from the fact that I'm fairly happy about today being my 5 month anniversary....it's not huge, I know, but it's the longest we've ever gone with no...um....third party being involved...so yea....
Much Love to you all,
~Deanna
Music of the Moment: Steve grinding his teeth (he's asleep)
I feel like crap. I'm sick, and I missed school this morning even though I don't have anymore days to miss in this class because you can only miss two before it counts off of your grade. Also, last night was my last night at the theatre and packing up my drawer was somewhat depressing. I found out that I was who Randall would have picked for manager, which made me both happy and sad at the knowledge that I did deserve the job but didn't get it...oh well.
Yea, other than that, not much to report, aside from the fact that I'm fairly happy about today being my 5 month anniversary....it's not huge, I know, but it's the longest we've ever gone with no...um....third party being involved...so yea....
Much Love to you all,
~Deanna
9.06.2007
Mood of the Moment: Generally Odd
Music of the Moment: Anberlin - Dismantle. Repair.
I think somewhere along the way I lost my ability to blog. I don't mean that I lost the ability to type, or even that I ran out of things to blog about. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite. Somewhere along the way I got to a point that I had so many blogworthy things going on that I was too busy dealing with them to actually sit down and type about them. Recently, however, I have come to greatly regret the lack of Deanna/Keyboard time. So here I am, in an attempt to resolve things.
First let me start by saying that I'm not even going to try to explain everything that has happened since my last post, partially because I don't even remember when it was. I'll give you simply the brief overview of my life as of now. I turned 20 this past june. As of August 12 I moved into a 3 bedroom house with Justin, Morgan, Jared, Stephen, and myself. Jared has a room that he shares with his fiancee, Sarah, when she visits on the weekends, Justin and Morgan share a room, and Stephen and I share a room. "Hmmm," you say, "Stephen and Deanna sharing a room? Does this mean...?" Yes. Stephen and I started talking and hanging out again around the beginning of february of this year, and on April 13th we started dating again. As the time neared for me to keep my promise of being a room-mate for Justin, Jared, and Morgan, neither of us wanted to be an hour away from one another, so he came with me. I'll be completely honest: we argue....a lot...or atleast we have been for the last few weeks. I think it's mainly because we're just stressed. It kinda sucks though, because I'm a huge worry wart, so every time we have an argument because we're stressed out about something, it freaks me out and makes me worry about our relationship....which in turn stresses me out more....which in turn causes more arguments....bleh. The good news is that it does seem to be getting better, after a few chilled-out discussions instead of arguments. At least it seems that way. I hope and pray everything will be ok with us...even after everything, I love Stephen more than he'll ever know, and more than I think anyone, including myself, will ever understand.
Other than that...Im still going to DCCC. I only have one class that isn't online, but I have to get up at 8am and drive from Greensboro to Lexington on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also still work at the movie theatre, but that is only for one more week. My last day is September 13th, and I start a new Job at Wal-greens on the 15th. I'm slightly terrified....I've never had a job besides the theatre before, and I've been here for 4 years now. This summer has been full of changes that I'm still reeling from and now this one on top of it is one overwhelming cherry on an ice-cream mountain.
But yea, hopefully I'll be able to get on here a bit more often once I have a set schedule and I'm not constantly driving between Greensboro and Winston.
Until Later,
Much Love,
~Deanna
Music of the Moment: Anberlin - Dismantle. Repair.
I think somewhere along the way I lost my ability to blog. I don't mean that I lost the ability to type, or even that I ran out of things to blog about. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite. Somewhere along the way I got to a point that I had so many blogworthy things going on that I was too busy dealing with them to actually sit down and type about them. Recently, however, I have come to greatly regret the lack of Deanna/Keyboard time. So here I am, in an attempt to resolve things.
First let me start by saying that I'm not even going to try to explain everything that has happened since my last post, partially because I don't even remember when it was. I'll give you simply the brief overview of my life as of now. I turned 20 this past june. As of August 12 I moved into a 3 bedroom house with Justin, Morgan, Jared, Stephen, and myself. Jared has a room that he shares with his fiancee, Sarah, when she visits on the weekends, Justin and Morgan share a room, and Stephen and I share a room. "Hmmm," you say, "Stephen and Deanna sharing a room? Does this mean...?" Yes. Stephen and I started talking and hanging out again around the beginning of february of this year, and on April 13th we started dating again. As the time neared for me to keep my promise of being a room-mate for Justin, Jared, and Morgan, neither of us wanted to be an hour away from one another, so he came with me. I'll be completely honest: we argue....a lot...or atleast we have been for the last few weeks. I think it's mainly because we're just stressed. It kinda sucks though, because I'm a huge worry wart, so every time we have an argument because we're stressed out about something, it freaks me out and makes me worry about our relationship....which in turn stresses me out more....which in turn causes more arguments....bleh. The good news is that it does seem to be getting better, after a few chilled-out discussions instead of arguments. At least it seems that way. I hope and pray everything will be ok with us...even after everything, I love Stephen more than he'll ever know, and more than I think anyone, including myself, will ever understand.
Other than that...Im still going to DCCC. I only have one class that isn't online, but I have to get up at 8am and drive from Greensboro to Lexington on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also still work at the movie theatre, but that is only for one more week. My last day is September 13th, and I start a new Job at Wal-greens on the 15th. I'm slightly terrified....I've never had a job besides the theatre before, and I've been here for 4 years now. This summer has been full of changes that I'm still reeling from and now this one on top of it is one overwhelming cherry on an ice-cream mountain.
But yea, hopefully I'll be able to get on here a bit more often once I have a set schedule and I'm not constantly driving between Greensboro and Winston.
Until Later,
Much Love,
~Deanna
