I DreAm in ShAdes of Violet

2008-10-08T00:51:00.002-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Undefinable
Music of the Moment: Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home

Stephen and I are now engaged. This surprised the Hell out of me, and at the same time, it was exactly what I needed. I mean, we both knew we'd eventually be married, and I never really saw the sense in buying some fancy ring now, when we already agreed that we weren't getting married until I was out of college. When he asked me, though, I couldn't help but accept, and I was absolutely walking on a cloud for the rest of the week. I didn't understand why, but all sorts of insecurities went away and I truly believed him when he said "I love you." He's done all sorts of things before, and said he loved me a lot of times...but I was always kind of wary. I always looked at all sorts of other girls and thought "wonder how long before he figures out I'm not quite as great as her." There was always someone else that was thinner, had better hair, liked the same things as him, was more laid back, had more money, or hell, even put out. I'd look at them and wonder how much longer he'd be willing to pay bills, work hard at a laborious job, and come home to a grouchy, uptight person, only to go to bed that night and get nothing but drooled on...but then when he asked me to marry him I realized he meant it. He was all teary eyed and stuttery, and he couldn't wait to tell everyone. We had always talked about how we would get married one day, and I thought I was happy with just that, but I think the reason I felt so sure when he purposed was because I saw that he wanted to tell everyone...he wanted this to be something official. The way he walked with my arm in his after that...the way he looked when he told his parents...I realized that he really, really means this....I know it sounds weird...but it means a lot to me.
So, needless to say, things are going pretty well for me at this point. I'm living in an apartment with Jared and Steve now, in my last year at DCCC, and legally old enough to drink. Basically, life's going pretty good...even if I am broke.

Much Love,
~D~

2007-11-26T23:16:00.000-05:00

Mood of the Moment: kind of introspective
Music of the Moment: none

Katie Norton.

I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....

yes I do.

She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...

dear lord, I'm crying...

I'm gonna go to bed now...

Goodnight,
~D~

2007-11-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

Mood of the Moment: thoughtful
Music of the Moment: All the Same - Sick Puppies

"People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you'll lose her."

I think he's finally got it. I think he's finally figured out that being a man, especially a man in love, isn't about what you can get away with, it's about having the will to do what you say and the spine to face the consequences when you dont. I think he finally realized exactly how powerful a punch it was for me to find out about the things he hid from me about Sarah. More importantly, I think he's figured out that what he did isn't wrong because I found out about it...it was just wrong period...and that that fact goes for everything. The ability to hide elude the consequences of any wrongdoing does not make it right, but in fact it makes it very much worse. I think he finally gets it. As far as I can tell it has been quite a while since he's kept anything from me. I've checked on a lot of things...checked his computer, verified his stories with other people, etc. He has not hidden so much as a single cigarette from me and I know that for a fact...I believe he's been coming to bed when he said he would, and not looking at anything on the computer he shouldn't be...
Hell, when we had an argument a while back, he stormed out and Justin chased him....and when he came back I thought he'd still be riled up but he just ran up and hugged me and appologized...when I asked him later what him and Justin had talked about he told me that he was sorry but that basically they had walked around the block and bitched about women...which I doubt he ever would have told me before...
ah well...I'm going to quit rambling now...
I just figured I'd share....

<3
D

2007-10-22T15:06:00.000-04:00

Just so anyone that reads this knows...
unless posted otherwise, I will be in retail hell every Sunday (6am-2:30pm), Monday (6am-2:30pm), Tuesday (4pm-12:30am), and Wednesday (4pm-12:30am)....

Bleh...
shoot me

2007-10-03T02:30:00.000-04:00

You better crawl
on your knees
the next time
you say that you love me
fall on your knees,
cuz this time I won’t be so kind
can't you see that this is life
and life is killing me
is it yours? is it mine?
our sky fell down tonight,
to wash away our pain

tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in

you better see
how evil you can be
when you see my evil smile
it's the one that you'll remember
when I am not so kind
can't you see that this is death
and death is saving me
I say burn all of your bridges
while you still have control of the flame
I know it's hard but you...

tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in

you've hardened to the point
you're hard and to the point

tell me,
over and over and over and over and over again
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in
(hardened to the point)
show me,
over and over and over and over and over again
(hard and to the point)
it never was time for us,
it never was time to let me in

2007-09-13T13:19:00.001-04:00

Mood of the Moment: kinda bleh...I'm sick
Music of the Moment: Steve grinding his teeth (he's asleep)

I feel like crap. I'm sick, and I missed school this morning even though I don't have anymore days to miss in this class because you can only miss two before it counts off of your grade. Also, last night was my last night at the theatre and packing up my drawer was somewhat depressing. I found out that I was who Randall would have picked for manager, which made me both happy and sad at the knowledge that I did deserve the job but didn't get it...oh well.
Yea, other than that, not much to report, aside from the fact that I'm fairly happy about today being my 5 month anniversary....it's not huge, I know, but it's the longest we've ever gone with no...um....third party being involved...so yea....
Much Love to you all,
~Deanna

2007-09-06T02:48:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Generally Odd
Music of the Moment: Anberlin - Dismantle. Repair.

I think somewhere along the way I lost my ability to blog. I don't mean that I lost the ability to type, or even that I ran out of things to blog about. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite. Somewhere along the way I got to a point that I had so many blogworthy things going on that I was too busy dealing with them to actually sit down and type about them. Recently, however, I have come to greatly regret the lack of Deanna/Keyboard time. So here I am, in an attempt to resolve things.
First let me start by saying that I'm not even going to try to explain everything that has happened since my last post, partially because I don't even remember when it was. I'll give you simply the brief overview of my life as of now. I turned 20 this past june. As of August 12 I moved into a 3 bedroom house with Justin, Morgan, Jared, Stephen, and myself. Jared has a room that he shares with his fiancee, Sarah, when she visits on the weekends, Justin and Morgan share a room, and Stephen and I share a room. "Hmmm," you say, "Stephen and Deanna sharing a room? Does this mean...?" Yes. Stephen and I started talking and hanging out again around the beginning of february of this year, and on April 13th we started dating again. As the time neared for me to keep my promise of being a room-mate for Justin, Jared, and Morgan, neither of us wanted to be an hour away from one another, so he came with me. I'll be completely honest: we argue....a lot...or atleast we have been for the last few weeks. I think it's mainly because we're just stressed. It kinda sucks though, because I'm a huge worry wart, so every time we have an argument because we're stressed out about something, it freaks me out and makes me worry about our relationship....which in turn stresses me out more....which in turn causes more arguments....bleh. The good news is that it does seem to be getting better, after a few chilled-out discussions instead of arguments. At least it seems that way. I hope and pray everything will be ok with us...even after everything, I love Stephen more than he'll ever know, and more than I think anyone, including myself, will ever understand.
Other than that...Im still going to DCCC. I only have one class that isn't online, but I have to get up at 8am and drive from Greensboro to Lexington on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also still work at the movie theatre, but that is only for one more week. My last day is September 13th, and I start a new Job at Wal-greens on the 15th. I'm slightly terrified....I've never had a job besides the theatre before, and I've been here for 4 years now. This summer has been full of changes that I'm still reeling from and now this one on top of it is one overwhelming cherry on an ice-cream mountain.
But yea, hopefully I'll be able to get on here a bit more often once I have a set schedule and I'm not constantly driving between Greensboro and Winston.

Until Later,
Much Love,
~Deanna

2006-12-14T01:49:00.000-05:00

I finally found it...
hmph.
And all this time I thought this time I wouldn't.
Silly me.
ah well...
"Such is the bread of an everyday life
From morning to noon,
to the shadowless night..."

****

completely different subject:
I want to be forgiven, but haven't the balls to ask.
lessons have been learned.
all but the big one.
I've been told to swallow my pride,
but I keep choking on it instead.
Oh well...
guess you reap what you sew.

~D~

2006-12-05T22:23:00.000-05:00

I lost a piece of me in you; I think I left it in your arms. I forget the reasons I got scared, But remember that I cared quite a lot. You see but lately I've been on my own. Yeah one, but one by choice. You see, thats a first for me, There's only me, yeah theres only me, And now I realize for once, It's just me. It's just me. It's just me, And I'll find a way to make it, There's no one left to stop me. Here I go. Can we take it from the top? So why so long? So sad, I wanna be strong. Don't try to take this from me. I'm already spent living half my life undone So why so long? So sad, I wanna be strong. Don't try to take this from me. I've already spent my life living half undone. I've been talking to my aunts and uncles, mom and dad again. I've been finding out that I have what this world calls friends. I've tried to push them all away, They push me back and wanna stay And that's one good thing I have. I'm gonna feel a peace in me, I'm gonna feel at home. I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone. I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor. I don't wanna hurt no more. Yeah it's just me. It's just me And i'll find a way to make it. There's no one left to stop me. Here i go, can we take it from the top? So why so long? So sad, I wanna be strong. Don't try to take her from me. I've already spent my life living half undone. So why so long? So sad, i wanna be strong. Don't try to take her from me. I've already spent my life living half undone. I used to be the one who won before. I used to smile but dont no more. I'm living just to watch it all go by-Blue October, hidden track
^^Go find that song, it's beautiful.
Anyway, to the topic at hand, and now that I think about it, this goes along pretty well with the song. I have been bitter. Those of you that know me know what I mean. Those of you who know me well know that I really haven't been bitter at all. Ok, this seems really random right now, but give me time to explain (jennifer, dear, I know you probably know all of this already, we've gone over it so many times before...). Ok, so, bitterness, stand-offishness, etc., it is my way of getting people to back off when I am trying to figure stuff out. I don't like people prying into my head when I myself do not know what they might find. Most people look to other people when they hit hard places, or even just confusing places, or places where they are just so used to being part of something else that they don't really know how to stand on their own anymore. I know because more than once I have been the person who recieved a call at 3am wit someone blubbering unintelligibly on the other end. I thrive under those conditions. I thrive as the hand that helps someone up, and to embrace them once they are standing again. The noble prize ain't got nothin' on that feeble but true smile that sneaks in between two tear stained cheeks of someone I care about because they can finally see that it will get better, and more importantly, they are loved. That fleeting moment fills me with more accomplishment than any prestigious award ever could. I, however, cannot stand to be that person. I don't really know why. It is not that I look down upon anyone who seeks help with the avalanches that come their way. If anything I almost envy them. I almost wish that I had the ability to break-down and cry, or to simply let it be known to the world that there are things that rip me apart, that terrify me beyond measure(and I'm not just talking about dolls). But I don't, because my greatest fear is most definately fear itself, and isn't it a terrifying thought that your greatest fear actually resides within you?That's a whole other topic, *ooh, look, a flutterby...*, back to the point: Bitterness apeared in my life a while back, for very obvious and yet very wierd reasons all at the same time. Stephen. (this is the part where I take a moment to let everyone know that I am not attempting to bash Steve in any way, and even if I was, it is out here for him to read if he chooses, and not whispered behind his back like the people that I see that sing his praises when he is around, only to call him all sorts of nasty names when he walks away, just as I am sure they do the same thing to me, hence my growing dislike for people) Anyway, if you don't know at this point, Steve and I were together for a long time, then we weren't anymore. Period. This would throw the greatest stoic on the planet for a loop, I guarantee you. I somehow found, however, that after about a week apart I was actually smiling more than I had been towards the end of our relationship. I am positive that this is for the simple reason that the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, and thus causing the one I cared for most to yell at and call me all sorts of obscenities at a volume that nearly made my ears bleed, was gone. Also, as terrified as I was of the thought that most of my friends would go poof and take "his side", I found that the thought of standing alone wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I did have an emmense feeling of inequity, the feeling that one inevitably gets after miserably failing to do one thing that they have dedicated themselves to for nearly a year. And on top of this came the bitterness, the disdain for any mention of happy moments spent with him. This bitterness was best described as "unbecoming" of me. An adequate description. But at the time I was sure I needed it. I was sure I needed a hatred of the beautiful moments for fear that I would miss them and long for their return, and that that longing would consume more than my newly rediscovered independance. And so it became that I was a bitter little girl. That is what this is really about, that bitterness, and how it is now leaving. It's been fading quite a lot lately, as some might have noticed. And in all truth, I simply felt like sharing. I also wanted to dispell any thoughts that I hated my ex. I hate the way things turned out, the fact that a normal friendship seems like it'd be nearly impossible now. I hate someof the things that he has done since then, mostly because I knew they would end up hurting him later down the road. I hate the feelings of ineptitude that still appear sometimes, but I do not, have not, and will never hate Steve. I guess what this is is my proclamation of closure, of absolution, if you will. That moment when I finally say truthfully that all of the issues banging around in my head are resolved, that I no longer place the blame completely on myself nor do I point the finger at him. Nor do regret the attempt to make it work, or hate the wonderful memories that I have from it. This is the final verse to this chapter.Fin.
~D~

2006-11-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

Il a mis le cafe

Dans la tasse

Il a mis le lait

Dans la tasse de cafe

Il a mis le sucre

Dans le cafe au lait

Avec la petite cuiller

Il a tourne

Il a bu le cafe au lait

Et il a repose la tasse

Sans me parler

Il a allume

Une cigarette

Il a fait des ronds

Avec la fumee

Il a mis les cendres

Dans le cendrier

Sans me parler

Sans me regarder

Il s'est leve

Il a mis

Son chapeau sur sa tete

Il a mis

Son manteau de pluie

Parce qu'il pleuvait

Et il est parti

Sous la pluie

Sans une parole

Sans me regarder

Et moi j'ai pris

Ma tete dans ma main

Et j'ai pleure.

He put the coffee

In the cup

He put the milk

In the cup of coffee

He put the sugar

In the cafe au lait

With the little spoon

He stirred

He drank the cafe au lait

And he sat down the cup

Without speaking to me

He lit

A cigarette

He blew rings

With the smoke

He put the ashes

In the ashtray

Without speaking to me

Without looking at me

He stood up

He put

His hat on his head

He put on

His raincoat

Because it was raining

And he left

In the rain

Without a word

Without looking at me

And I, I took

My head in my hands

And cried.

This poem was my relationship with Stephen. I actually found this poem long before we broke up and I did in fact cry. A french poet had described my relationship perfectly. I didn't know even at that time why I was still with him. I think it was simply because I couldn't bear the thought of just fading away like that. I can't name any particular time when our relationship changed into this cold, indifferent, meaningless routine, I just knew that I was growing more and more unhappy and even I was unsure why. When I read this, I felt as if I had wrtten every word down, it was myself speaking, and thus I kept it in my journal. Just as the person speaking I had no idea what to do, except cry when I was alone. Even now he thought is like a probe inside of the wound that is already in my chest. The idea that I gave everything that I could, that I offered someone all there was of me, that I made someone my reason for breathing, I handed them the heart out of my chest and it wasn't even enough to merit a second thought, even a simple gesture of recognition.

So yes I am bitter. I hold my bitterness high and use it as a shield to protect me from the very thought of all those things that happened in that year. To guard me from the memories of tears that were shed while sitting right beside him without him even noticing, of the tears that were shed in front of him with him smiling at the thought that he had caused him, or calling me names because in his mind I was upset over nothing...of the tears that were shed sitting all alone at my desk, in an auditorioum, or in a grave yard where I went to see Chris while I waited for the phone calls that came hours or even days late because he was too busy with something or someone he found much more worthy of his attention. I was alone because I had made him promises...I clung to every promise that I made to him in the hope that it would someday mean something. I never got anything in return.

It will someday fade, someday when it doesn't hurt so much. Nobody truly knows what all I went through, *half-smiles*, not even you...but I'll get over it in time, I promise....just bear with me. please.

The End.

2006-10-03T16:27:00.000-04:00

oh doubt and a girl by your side
she's feeding your pride
as you go for a ride
down the star mile
world's rise as she lets you come in
a duo begins to the hollywood din
of the lonely

and all the gold dust in her eyes
won't reform into a ring
you had and lost the one thing
you kept in a safe place
remember the face
of the girl who had made you her own
and how you left her alone

all's well at the base of the hill
you might need to fill
a prescription to kill
off the sirens
look down from your tower on high
and take in the night
look her right in the eye
she'll listen

and all the gold dust in her eyes
won't reform into a ring
you had and lost the one thing
you kept in a safe place
remember the face
of the girl who had made you her own
and how you left her alone

life comes to those that'll choose
the regular news
over playing the blues with the light on
and if you burn the road that'll lead you
back to her in time
i'll watch you turn to stone
can't find the sublime
she's moving on without you
the tide breaks
you watch the stars fake
they gather you back to their homes
i guess it's better than being alone

I would bolden all my favourite lines...but, well, then there would be more bold than regular...so there you go...

Later
~D~

2006-09-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Grr...

Arg...

Dear God,
Thanks for keeping me on my toes...
*peace*
~D~

2006-09-08T02:12:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Tired as crap
Music of the Moment: Stone sour

Don't know why I felt the urge to put this down here...could just be lack of sleep...but oh well...
Today I was at waffle house and I weent to use the bathroom, right, and I was at the sink. I wasn't wearing anything special, I just had on my denim shirt, a black skirt, Jared's Guinness hat with my hair just sort of poofing out the bottom...and I looked in the mirror and for just a micro-second something really strange happened...
I looked in the mirror...
and I saw something....
beautiful...
something...
I liked...
it was crazy. The image was fleeting, lasting only long enough for it to register and then fade into my usual self-criticism...but...it was there. And the even stranger thing....is I think I know why. I think I'm doing it...I think I'm succeeding in my mission. A mission that until this point I have not told anyone about...I think it's actually starting to work...
You see, with my recent tumble into freedom...I decided to make a massive change in my life...I decided to quit trying to impress everyone else, and start trying to impress myself...
hehe...
Those who truly matter won't mind, and those who mind dont matter...

:-)
Goodnight,
~D~

2006-09-05T21:06:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Thoughtfully placid...
Music of the Moment: Walk to Remember Soundtrack

The winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
So it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

That is a beautiful song...I heart it...

Anyway...

So at this moment I am in a lovely predicament. I have betrayed someone. With every bit of me I have tried not to. I fought the decision with all of my might...an effort in futility. Someone I would die for was betrayed. I can think of no way to make it up to them....and yet...for what? What came from it? Nothing. I am an asshole...for nothing. This is what leads me to my next quandry; my next step in the unsteady path that I never should have turned down, but I'm past the point of return. I have two choices as I see it. Both are a betrayal of sorts of two more people that I care for greatly, but one is a betrayal of myself more than it is for them. Shall I put forth a display of chutspah, completely against my character? or should I stop at only causing chaos in one of my relationships...keeping the trouble contained within myself and one other...one other who doesn't deserve it? The first would bring peace of mind to the one whom I have already betrayed...but it could ruin so many other things. The second option is my usual...but I've sort of screwed it up already...and it is still in a way a betrayal if for no other reason that the falseness of my contentment....
God why am I letting this bother me so badly...
I have to kill it...
but it's too late...
I should have already killed it...
I tried to...
I thought it was dead...
But it wasn't....it wouldn't die...
Why does it matter so damn much?
I'll fix it...somehow.......*sigh*.....

Damn this is gonna suck

Much Love,
~D~

"Just to see you smile,
I'd do anything
that you wanted me to.
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost.
It's worth all that's lost.
Just to see you smile."

2006-09-01T02:48:00.000-04:00

Okay...so...today has been a very long day. This long day has been immediately preceeded by a long week, which has been immediately preceeded by a long month....
and you know what....
I don't care.
Not one bit.
I mean yea, it's kinda aggrivating, but hey, it's all good.
All but one thing...
The one thing that should be the last thing on my mind...
and I think I finally figured out why it bothers me so much.
I found out what the real delimma is and in doing so I discovered the solution...as much as it sucks...
So you know how most things in nature are beautiful and fantastic. A lot of times we want these things for our own, but we can't have them because that which we'd have to do to obtain them would ruin them. That is about like my problem. I have a desire for something, but the knowledge that if it were mine it would no longer be worth having. So therefore the choice is simple...leave it be...forget about it...and that's just what I'll do...
Mwahaha....
I'm a genious...
and I'm tired...
goodnight...
~D~

2006-08-28T02:44:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Tired
Music of the Moment: Stone Sour- Bother

Seanie leaves for basic this week. The horny little brother that years ago I came to know and strangely enough love. He is leaving for basic this tuesday. I thought tonight as we were chillin' at the theatre about how much the both of us have changed since I first met that retard. It's an amazing thought, it truly is. Probrobly even more funny is the fact that I met Sean and Breezy years ago, yet they have not affected me as much as the other brothers. I include Justin in that. I mean, of course there is obviously Stephen, who took me to Heaven and the dropped me into Hell repeatedly...and showed me exactly how much I can take, and completely broke my heart...but I still care about him more than I think even he will ever know. And there is Justin, who for some strange reason not only doesn't mind my presence but seems to enjoy it. He is living proof thet there really are still good guys on this earth, and it makes me so amazingly proud every time he calls me his sister. And then of course there is Jared, whom I am almost afraid to speak of here simply because I know that he may read it. Jared is someone I would trust with my life and everything in it. Whether he knows it or not he has become the voice inside my head a lot of times, and I don't really mind that at all. *smiles*And to boost his ego...he too broke my heart in a way....but that's another story...heh, I hate valentines day...
But back to the point: I think I'm just going to attach ,yself to Sean's leg on Tuesday morning. It may not be able to necessarily physically stop him, but I know that if I were wrapped around Sean's leg, he'd suddenly feel very inclined to stay here. Thus, the problem of yet another brother leaving shall be fixed.
About the problem I mentioned in my last post: on friday night I stayed over at Sean's Mom's house and over the course of the evening I got positively shitfaced. In the process of the alcohol taking affect the thoughts of what I wanted kept getting stronger in my mind. I just thought about how much I want to fight for it, I realized I really do. But I also knew that I couldn't...Not without turning into someone I hate. I thought of the three things holding me back. I can't fight...not this time. I'll let it go, and one day I'll look back at it and wonder how it might have affected me...but I'll get over it....I know I will...I can take it...
God this probrobly makes no sense...I hope it doesn't...it should only make sense to one person, and I don't think he knows that this exists...so yea...
anyway...I have to get up in less that 2.5 hours, so I'm gonna go try to sleep...
peace,
~D~

2006-08-25T02:26:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I have no freakin' Idea
Music of the Moment: prayer of St. Francis of Assisi as sung by Sarah Mclachlan

People irritate me...

Like, specific ones, and sometimes I don't even know why...just, their presence...it's like nails down a chalkboard, even though I do my best to not think that way.

but that is just a side note to what is on my mind...

He said some things tonight that I denied with every fiber in my body...
But...
They struck a nerve.

Of all the people to seem to make sense...why was it him? The one person that I care for greatly, though I generally want to hate him. The person that I am not in love with...but thought I was.

Why did he have to throw a doubt in my mind? A doubt about a certainty that he himself originally made me believe...

Hmm...this has nothing to do with he and I, funny enough...I think in a way both of us were over each other long before we ever broke up...

No...this conversation really had nothing to do with him, that's another crazy part...and later some of the things that Jared said validated the thought even further...

Something that had not even crossed my mind before...the idea of fighting for something I want, not for something that would make others happy, not for something that I believe to be an inalienable right of some sort...just something I really want...something to make ME happy...even if I know that it could hurt others...others that I would do anything to see them NOT hurt....and to what point and purpose? I mean, why fight for something just to have the thought shot down because you find can never have it? or why fight to achieve something and have it for a while just to find out later that it was all fake and you never really had what you wanted at all? or why fight to get something you want just to get it, completely and fully, to be so blissfully happy that you have gotten the one thing you want most.....just to lose it later? What is the point. Why cause ripples just to regret it later?
There is no good answer to those questions, and thus my decision is made...
no ripples...
no problems...
that's that...

God, I know that the only people who might possibly ask me to explain what this is about are the only people that I can't explain this to...
*sigh*
Funny old world, isn't it...
Much Love,
Going to bed,
~D~

2006-08-21T01:20:00.000-04:00

Here's a few quotes for ya....they all keep running through my head...

Sometimes life is so perfect isn't it? It has to be to make up for all the hard stuff it throws your way. You have to learn to walk you have to learn to talk, you have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you, you have no say in the matter. But when your a little older even though you get to choose your hats; you don't get the pick what they put in thoughs meatballs in the cafeteria, or when to fall in love. Things happen. And you just have to deal.
Let's just consider the day that Steve and I broke up as "big ugly hat day".

***

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold...

***(the classic)

Thank you for curing me of my rediculous obsession with love

2006-08-20T03:01:00.000-04:00

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

yep....that's about it...

2006-08-15T10:04:00.000-04:00

My heart is not broken. That isn't the proper thing to say. No, the best way to truly describe how I am right now is this: My soul, my life, my love, everything inside of me that I have to give has been viciously ripped out...and it is still with someone else. Even though he doesn't want it. I keep trying to get it back...but I can't...he doesn't seem to know that he has it...well...maybe he does, and he just doesn't care. He's broken right now...and it is not me that did it...I think that that is what hurts worse...I don't know how to help him...and I know he doesn't want me to. He has everything of me, and it seems that he has given everything to her...only to find that she didn't want it. Seeing him like that as I drove away, and knowing I could do nothing about it, killed me. When I see him I keep acting like I'm ok, I've convinced most everyone. But in all truth I can't eat, it just comes back up, I can't sleep because he haunts my dreams, I can barely breathe...it feels like I have to mentally tell my lungs to expand and my heart how to beat, because they have lost the will to do it on their own...I don't want him back, really, I mean, God knows that I would love it, but I just want him to stop hurting...I want him to be ok, I want him to be happy, I realize now that I can't do it, I just wish I knew who could...I don't know what to do...

Today's the day
When dreaming ends...
Another hero.
Another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
Whatever happens
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache
Another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
The show must go on
The show must go on
Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that holds
Our final destiny
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the
On with the
On with the show

2006-08-09T01:21:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Pretty content
Music of the Moment: none, just the sound of time splitters future perfect in the background

Ok, so here are a few of the high points from the last time I blogged:

*alot of my friends are moving away to college soon, which blows...

*I got my brother back

*My Disexylc self is currently reading a very long and daunting but still very interesting book, the Fountainhead, thanks to the aforementioned brother.

*I have officially concluded that I have another brother, Justin, who is also quite awesome and is also leaving for college soon....the freaking douche monkey...

*Not long after I informed Justin that he was my brother as far as I was concerned, he was also informed by Stephen, Jared, Sean, and Breezy that they considered him as a brother(only that process was much more painful...but he is healing quite nicely now)

*oh yea, I got my brother back

*I have both met and become strangely attached to My brother's girlfriend, Sarah. She is really sweet, quite talented, and very beautiful, and wierdest of all is that she seems to be a girl that genuinely likes me(in a completely heterosexual way). Those who know me know that I dont have but maybe a couple of female friends, I don't trust them, I'd rather chill with one guy that is obviously wanting to bone me than with 10 seemingly sweet caring girls...simply because chances are that 3 of those girls are wanting my boyfriend because they think they can take him, 2 of the girls don't want my boyfriend but they do think they are better than me and are there with me to make themselves feel better, and the rest of them are there because they want to be just like one of the aforementioned five....at least the guy is honest. *realizes she has veered off topic* Anyway, Sarah seems to be none of the aforementioned categories, which means she has cool points in my book. This means, of course, that I do hope she doesn't hurt my brother, because I'd really hate having to turn her into a pile of goo...

*speaking of my brother... I got my brother back

*After completing a marathon of Cowboy Bebop...I have a great love for that show...

*I recently discovered that Nightmare Before Christmas is coming to the big-screen in 3D in October...I'm pretty sure I had a miniature orgasm upon hearing the news

*In mid July I took a trip to Maryland with Steve and his family...it was one of the best vacations I have ever taken. Over the course of a week we only got into one fight, it was over a monopoly game...the lesson I learned: Do not play monopoly with Steve, and if you do, let him win.

*A week or two after I got back from Maryland, I bought the Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly game, I played it that night with Stephen and both of my brothers(with both of whom I can now talk freely), the same argument ensued, and I am officially now pretty much dead set against playing that game with Steve.

*I finally got brave the other night and had a very long, very important, and quite private talk with the one I love. A lot of things were said, and actually listened to, on both ends. All that needs to be known by my dearest readers is that I, in essence, stated that the "first time" we went out I was on top of the world, and everything was perfect, and that I missed that. I then pretty much said why I thought it was so different now and why I thought it seemed to be getting worse. He agreed to all of these things...and more importantly, we both swore to do the things that we both agreed would help, shall I say, fix it. Since that night, we have not argued once. If you are one of the few people that I talked to about me and Steve, then you will understand why the thought that we have gone even a few days without fighting makes my eyes well up in happiness. In short, there is still quite a bit of work to do...but...well...I love him, with every bit of me...and I'm willing to work for him...and it looks like he is willing to do the same...so yea...wish me luck, and if you are the praying type, do that too...

*my sister is leaving soon, it makes me want to cry...it really does, I try not to think about it...I'm quite afraid of her forgetting about me...I know that she'll be alright though, with or without me, she's stronger and greater than she gives herself credit for and I think she'll figure that out soon.

*I got my brother back

*Steve and Jared are prob. gonna be moving into an apartment in Foxcreek soon, I will miss Steve terribly...like, there is no explaining it...hopefully he will miss me as much...

*and I'm spent

Much Love,
~D~

2006-06-30T15:43:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: contemplative
Music of the Moment: dunno the name

There are two ways to look at what I am doing right now.... I am either being exceptionally strong or exceptionally weak... Which one is it? Ha, that depends on who you ask....

Sometimes I wonder if the entire "Family" had not been better had I not stepped in...bleh...it probrobly would have....but it is too late now. Haha...two brothers who are seemingly alike in every way, are actually like night and day once you get to know them...which one is better....depends on who you ask.........I say neither, just different.

I'm rambling again...I'm gonna go to the Black Bear and chat w/ Jennifer now...

~D~

2006-06-21T01:35:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: B.L.E.H....
Music of the Moment: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

I'm not sure why I detest that girl so much. I came to that conclusion as I watched her in my peripheral vision driving along tonight. She is what I just might be if I wasn't so damn stubborn. I was well on my way many years ago, before so many people started telling me that I would end up that way and my stubborn spiteful streak forced me back to where I am now...along with other things. It's amazing really...my desire to be spiteful and prove people wrong is a large part of what has made me the good girl sitting at this keyboard now. So for all of those who ever told me that I'd end up as a whore/slut/bitch/drug addict/etc.....thank you, for you helped prevent such things. Granted my heart and how I fwlt would still be the same, I mean, I could never be as freakin' self centered as that girl...but still...anyway...I know plenty of people like her...and I don't despise them....why her. I mean some people might say it is obvious...because of what she has done to me...but in all truth I can't say that I am really mad at her for that, because it takes two people to do what has been done to me...and in all truth, the only part she had in it was believing a huge stream of bull-shit that was flowing so gracefully from someone elses mouth. And I realized that the reason that she irritated me so is because I just wanted to shake her and say "WHY?!?! Why are you so stupid? Why would you believe the lies, the bull-shit that comes from a known bull-shitter? Come on! You could have saved so much trouble had you just looked at him and said 'you are full of shit...piss-off'...why could you just not be smart and not believe the lies?" and it was at that moment that I thought to myself that I truly have no reason to hate her...because we truly have more in common that I had previously thought. Granted I have never slept with someone who was taken, but then again I refuse to sleep with anyone who I am not married to, if I didn't have that vow...hmmm...I have seen the bold-faced lies that a certain person has concealed as pure sincerity before...so in all truth...I have positively no reason to dislike her at all...if that makes sense. (*le sigh* even after coming to this conclusion...I still feel the urge to kindly prepare her an antifreeze cocktail...)
Anyway, I guess this leads me to the topic of trust of the aforementioned bull-shitter. There really is no way to thoroughly explain it. I live on a day to day basis not truly knowing as of now who he is. Instead I just know he is one of 2 people. He is either the bruised, broken, confused human being that truly does feel the same for me as I do for him, but is positively afraid to because of the things that have happened in his past.....or.....he is the most chauvanistic douche-bag of a dick that has no idea of what love is and is too self-centered to care. If he is the first, then I love him with all I have and I shall someday feel bad for having the doubts I do now...but if he is the second, then I regret every time I have let him near me. I hope and pray everyday that he is the first...he will one day prove to me one way or the other. It could be soon or years from now. All he needs to do to prove the latter is betray me one more time...and to prove the former will take his complete loyalty and love and thoughtfulness for an unknown(but very long) amount of time. For now I go on the pretense that he is the former of the two...and he gets the benefit of the doubt....but be not mistaken...if that pretense were to ever be proven false...I am prepared. I can state the exact moment when I became prepared: it was our last "break". I hate that word... to quote rourk "break is a bull-shit term"...but anyways...it was then that my forgiveness reached it's limit. It was then that I decided without a shadow of a doubt that it would only take one more act of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or outright betrayal before he became that chauvanistic ass-hole in my eyes...before the person that I see him as now(the person I care for more than can be imagined) completely dies and is replaced by the stereotypical dick that I hate. It is at that moment that I would have no hesitation in calmly giving him the finger and dropping him like the bad habit he would have become. Don't get me wrong...it is the last thing I want to do...it would take every bit of my strength...and the smile on my face would be fake for God only knows how long, but I could do it. I think he knows that, too. Anyone who knows mw well enough to know about this blog should know that I would not say that I could if I had any doubts at all about it. However, if you know me well enough to know about this blog then you also know that it is the last thing I want to do...as in....if given the choice of walking away from that boy or being submitted to chinese paper-cut torture....I'd say bring on the razor blades.....
Bleh...This is not what I got on here with the intentions of writing...but after being basically dissed by the person who swears I'm his world tonight, then hangin' out with little miss temptress for nearly 3 hours, I was in a bit of a wierd thoughtful mood...bleh...I know that if certain people ever read this then they would take it the completely wrong way...which is understandable considering it is probrobly just a jumbled mess of incoherency unless you are inside my head....but yea, like I said earlier...if you got this address from me than you should be able to understand what I'm saying, and if you didn't get this address from me then I obviously don't want you reading this so why are you even still looking at this page? Go fly a kite.

Ok, I think I'm gonna go to bed now...
*peace*
~D~

p.s. I would suggest ignoring all of this...'tis my moody week of the month...bleh

2006-05-27T02:16:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: sick
Music of the Moment: Standard Lines - Dashboard confessional

Ahhh, where to start...

I've been sick for a bit...and tonight I was supposed to work the midnight shows at work, which would have kept me out until like 2.5/3ish in the morning...which I wouldn't have minded doing...except that Stephen had had me leave early for work so that we could stop by and pick up a game that he said he wanted to play tonight...he told my dad, my sister, and me that he was gonna play it with all of us when he got here tonight, so I got off early so that we could do so...I even left the theatre earlier than I would usually be able to even if there were no midnight shows...I told him that I was going to...he seemed quite happy at this fact. So while I was working him and Jared hung out...and they came and watched a movie...one that let out close to the time that I would get off work...I went happily about my duties...waiting anxiously for the time that I could clock out and take Steve home so that we could chill together and talk and perhaps he could even force me into a video game...it kept me smiling all night...even though in every other aspect I felt like crap...I can't stop coughing, my throat hurts, I have a headache, I hate work in general, a couple of the machines were messing up...but thinking about future chillage with Steve made me happy...it always does...
About 15 minutes before I can get out of the theatre, Steve cam upstairs...all excited, like he had just gotten some excellent news...and informs me that he is staying the night with Jared, and needs my keys to get something from my car...there is no "is that ok with you?" or "it's cool if we chill on another night, right?" or "did you already get off?"....nothing...so I triedto play it off like I didn't care...but the only thing making me smile had just been taken away....so I kind of failed...and when he brought my keys back to me he asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing, and he asked again and I just looked at him and said "I got off early"...and he appologized, and said he didn't know, and told him that he did...so he appologized for forgetting, and I told him it was ok...and I meant it...it's not his fault...heh...I'm the one that isn't memorable...I'm truly used to it at this point.......at least this time he forgot because he was out with Jared, instead of forgetting because he was busy fucking little-miss "look at me, I'm going to be nice to you so that you won't think that all I want is to have your boyfriend because he's got the biggest freakin' dick I've ever seen in person before, and I know that he has to love me because I am fun and you are boring so I'm gonna prance around in a couple pieces of cloth that let my tits and ass hang out and hang all over him and talk shit about you when you are not there..." I'm sorry, that description was a little long, let me shorten it a bit: she is the girl whose legs Stephen has seemed all too happy to jump between any time she has opened them...the self-made waste of human flesh and blood that should never reproduce but due to her lifestyle inevitably will...Still not short enough?? ok, try this one: Joy. My feelings towards that proudly self-proclaimed bitch are wierd a mixture of pity, jealousy, and pure disgust. The sight of her sets me on edge, her voice sounds like nails down a chalkboard to my ears, and the thought of her and Stephen so much as being in the same room as each other (whether I am there or not) churns my stomach worse than drinking a pint of sour milk... and yet I find myself envying her because he finds her to be worth leaving me for...........but I am off topic...
Tonight Steve left with his friends, and about ten minutes later I left the theatre, just like I told him I would...and drove by Jared's...like I said I would...and all the lights were off...so I just assumed that they either weren't there or they didn't want any visitors...but I didn't go home, I didn't feel like it yet. So I drove around, paying no mind to where...and I soon found myself at a dead end...and at this dead end there was a park...a park I hadn't been to in a while...a park that had always let me just chill on the swing and think. I thought about many things. Obviously I thought about the above mentioned things...I thought about people and friendship and thought of a wonderful extended analogy between a human being and an island...I watched the stars go back and forth as I listened to the "clack clack" of the old chains of the swing as it swayed steadily back and forth. I thought about who I am, what I once was, and who I want to become. I thought about when I had first come to this park, and how the girl that came that night was so much different than then the one sitting on that swing tonight and yet somehow the same...and of course I thought about Stephen. A lot of things about Stephen...things that for the most part I can't tell him because he'll get pissed because I'm "throwing a guilt trip..." and there will be fighting and then lots of awkward, which I don't want. And I can't tell anyone else because the only people I would trust to talk to are either miles and miles away, constantly busy with their own problems, or I'm forbidden to talk to them... so it shall stay between me and my mind, bottled up even longer, and it seems that it is through this process that that bright, smiling, spastic girl that first came to that park gets locked deeper down inside so that I can be a little bit closer to being the woman that that boy needs...
When I finally walked through my front door, I found my dad sitting next to my sister, controller in hand, ready to play...her first question was "where's Steve?"...I about felt like crying, she was so disappointed...she had stayed up so late so that she could play a game with her two heroes....only to be sent to bed as soon as I came home...
so yea, a little after I started typing this I got a call...from Steve...he seemed upset that I didn't come and see him, and said that he had decided that when I stopped by to say goodnight that he was going to come home with me...I told him I was sorry....and I felt like crap...but then part of me thought "yea, Steve, feeling forgotten and waiting for someone that never comes hurts like a bitch doesn't it?"....and immediately after I thought that I felt like uber shit...and then I thought about it and realized that even if he had come home with me I would have felt like shit b/c I'd feel like I guilted him into it...bleh...I don't know....I hate my overactive guilt gene...and I'm tired, and I want chocolate...so I'm gonna stop now...
Oh, and be not mistaken, I'm not bitching about Stephen...I love him with all of my heart, I really do...I'm just venting...those who know me know that I have mood swings such as these...but I'm going to bed now...
*peace*
~D~

2006-05-02T12:04:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: broken
Music of the Moment: none, I don't want to wake Steve up

Of all the things I want...he is what I want most...

but it's like I'm in love with 5 different guys...all trapped in one body...and only one of them is in love with me...

another one is just a horn-dog...another it a complete and utter ass-hole...another is a tormented and broken soul...and another still has a heart that belongs to some girl that I've never met...

there are more too...but those are the main ones...

I'd do anything to know that he'd never feel hurt again...

yet at times he seems almost proud of his abilities to hurt me....

I don't know what to do...

I'm so scared of hurting him...

and so sacred of being hurt...

*sigh*...I have to go to school now....

pray for me...

Much Love,
~D~

2006-04-23T22:18:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: feeling useless
Music of the moment: Anna Nalick - Breathe (hehe)

yea, so I'm chillin at home right now...just me and the kids...and they are in bed sooooo...I'm alone. And I'm gonna be alone for a while...and the strange thing is I planned this...I just didn't take some things into consideration...you see I planned to have a bit of companionship right now while nobody else was around, some alone time, just to chill...but like I said, I didn't take certain things into consideration, like for example the fact that that person might be more interested in going and doing something more exciting......like....for example...read a phone book.....or watch grass grow.....or go watch a movie at his friends house...because that is much more entertaining than watching a movie at my house, when I'm actually awake...so now I get the joy of being completely alone for a couple of hours while he is out having fun and going at who knows what time to go pick him up and bring him home...but hey! look on the bright side, I get a condolence prize: I get to try to watch a freaking long movie with him starting at like 12:30am, even though I'll probrobly be dead tired and wont make it halfway through, so I'll end up being woken up by a very pissed off father leter on and get bitched at for God knows how long, or I'll actually make it through the movie and go to my bed sometime in the early morning, just so that I can get up tomorrow and go to school and work dead tired...la dee fuckin do da day....

He can't help it...I mean...I don't like hangin out with me either...I'm probrobly the most dull and uninteresting person you'll ever meet, period...I know this...it's just that I begun to doubt that for a little bit because it seemed like he really meant it when he said I was not boring...and I think in his mind he does mean it...but his actions prove otherwise...given the choice of "go watch movie alone with D" or "go watch same movie with other friend", he chooses the latter, and actions speak louder than words...but if it makes him smile, I'm cool with that...it's kinda crappy...but I'd stroll through Hell in a gasoline bakini for that guy, so I can deal with a little disappointment...

bleh, sorry, I'm gonna stop now...I'll be fine in just a little bit, but the main reason that this blog is here is for me to put stupid stuff here anyway, so here's one more...
Much Love to all of my Whacko hard core readers,
I love you all,
sorry I abandoned you for a bit...
~D~

2006-04-21T13:44:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Slightly stressed
Music of the Moment: Blue October - Hate Me

Ah, where to begin? I don't even remember when the last time I posted was, except for the other day...my little rant...hehe...but yea...About my life to date:

I work all the time, either at that blasted entertainment facility or at school. This has not changed, only it has gotten more annoying. I work with two pot-heads that might be good workers if they had just a couple more brain cells(the common sense ones) and with one non-pot-head that is extremely intelligent and can do/fix/make anything he wants and could be a projection mastermind...if he would just not play that damned video game for his entire shift...yes, these are the people that I am working with, but I am the one that always gets in trouble...bleh...I have a feeling that I am like 30 seconds from being put back downstairs...and the day they do that(as much as I'd hate to do it) is the day I'd turn in my 2 weeks notice.
Stephen and I have been officially back together for a wee over 2 months now...it was a very rocky re-beginning...many mistakes were made, all forgiven, and most forgotten...and for his sake I shall go no further into detail...but that is behind us now ...and after it all I still love him to an undescribable degree...though he seems not to believe me. He has right to I guess...there have been people in his past who have done things to make him believe that he does not deserve to be loved...I wish I could go back and smack every one of them. If I could I'd go back and fix everything that went wrong in his life, then maybe he'd smile more, perhaps then he'd feel safe when he lays down at night, and dream of a joyful future instead of being plagued by nightmares...perhaps then he would know that he deserves to be loved...of course, this would probrobly mean that he wouldn't be with me...but that really isn't the important thing...I mean, I know that had it not been for the people that hurt him in the past then he would not have taken a second glance a me, and in a way I'm cool with this, if it means that he would be happy to be on this rock, it'd be worth it...but for some strange reason he has found some sort of appeal in me...which amazes and thrills me at the same time...but yea, I'm rambling again...(sorry Jennifer...)
So yea...School sux...and I seem to have picked up a new part-time resident at my house, which I'm perfectly ok with...'tis Steve...imagine that. hehe, he's adorable...
I guess for the most part you could say I'm doing good, my car is still running, and I can still afford food and such...my health hasn't been that great of late...I think it is b/c of a combination of stress and lack of sleep...as you probrobly already know I have always had a little flutter thing in my heart, and I still do...but lately for some reason it has happened more often, which didn't bother me until it started being accompanied with a little bit of pain....and recently it has gotten to the point that it'll just start hurting and not stop for a few minutes...it is kinda beginning to freak me out...Steve noticed the other day, too...so now he is freaked out...but how would you feel about going to the doctor for chest pain if you had a Grandmother that had a hole in her heart(hereditary), an uncle with leaky valves in his heart(sometimes hereditary), and a mother with a heart murmer(not dangerous, but hereditary as well)? Bleh...I don't wanna know...but yea...
Ok, I'm gonna go get dressed for work now, where better to spend a friday night than in the loving arms of the Wynnsong...bleh...
Much Love,
~D~

2006-04-18T12:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here's the deal: anybody who knows me knows that I'm always a calm person, I try not to make people mad, try not to cause a fuss, I live my life and let other's live theirs, if they ask for help I give it as best I can. If someone disagrees with this statement, please, let me know. But yea, the way that I am commonly leads me to be a bit of a doormat, which gets irritating at times, and I do get mad, I just usually do nothing about it. So I am going to appologize ahead of time for any vulgarity I use in this post...here is another one of my vents...about all sorts of people and things...please read...if you want...
*I swear to you I sometimes want to kill someone when I am reading people's things n dey r typin lyke dis n no1 can reed a wrd dey is sayin cuz nun of it iz ENGLISH!!!!! GRRRR! I just want to reach through the screen and whack them in the face with a dictionary...and they get upset when people call them stupid or don't take them seriously...come on...yea, that's good to start...now for the more important ones...
*if you are a liar: Fuck you...if you purposfully lie for your own benifit: fuck you, and I hope that when you go to Hell that I have the priviledge of hearing your screams ...oh, especially if you are a liar who gets mad when you are lied to...God, you fucking hypocrite...
*if you are a guy/girl that cheats: there are few creatures on this earth that have sunk lower than that...any forgiveness you recieve for such an act is not given because you deserve it, because you don't, it is simply given because someone cares for you and obviously sees more in you than you see in yourself. Forgiveness for such an act is a huge priviledge and definately NOT a right...so treat it as such, don't abuse it, don't push it to it's limits...and like I said, the person who forgives a cheat most likely sees more in them then they see in themselves...so try living up to their expectations...you may be surprised at what you can do...
*to the guys/girls who are the "ones on the side": think about that for two seconds...you will see that the thought is rediculous...the main person that you need to seek forgiveness from is yourself, for it takes a complete lack of self respect to do something like that, to be a dirty little secret, I don't care who you are, I feel sorry for you, because any human deserves better than that...
*to the girls that have slept with so many guys that they don't even remember all of their names: you wanna know why people call you a slut...because you are. Chances are that the reason you get so much action is not because you are pretty or because they like your personality...it is because there is a slit between your legs that is easier to get to then most others. Oh, and having sex is not a way to prove that you love someone...don't ever let omeone tell you that b/c it's bullshit. I'm not saying that you are a stupid person, you just make some stupid decisions...which you can easily change...if you actually try... #1 protection from being called names, STD's, pregnancy, and sometimes heartbreak: self-control...get some...
*to the GUYS who have slept with so many girls that you cant even remember all of their names: oh, didn't think I'd say anything about you did you? I mean, what is wrong? you're obviously attractive enough to use it, so why not? I mean, everyone knows that a guy isn't a real man unless he can "devide and conquer" as many sets of legs as possible right? Bullshit. You cant get pregnant, you're body can't get all whacked up the way a girl's can, it's not your life that you are fucking with when you sleep around, it's other people's, which not only makes you a horn-dog, but an incosiderate heartless bastard as well. Oh and then you have the nerve to call girls that act just like you do sluts...you have no right. I'm not saying that they are in the right, but for you to call a girl a slut is like a sumo wrestler calling some guy fat...it's bullshit...you wanna be a real man? Have respect for women, never say love unless you mean it, quit having sex, find the one you love, and start making love instead....then you will be a man....(oh, and just because you start pitching a tent, doesn't mean you're in love with someone....it just means they have boobs...)
*to all those who say that staying a virgin until you are married is stupid: oh yea, it's so childish and naive and old fashioned right? Well, then I guess that knowing who the father of your child is, having the father around, staying disease free, and not being taken advantage of or called a slut is stupid as well right? Personally I think that the stupid one is the 16-28 year old little boy inside a man's body that walks up to the girl that makes things happen just below his belt and says he loves her....and the girl who believes it. Let me tell you something: real love eventually leads to marriage, and real love is patient, so instead of proving you love someone by makin' it with them, prove it by showing that you want to wait, guys, show a girl your love by saying it is fine if they want to wait....and mean it. Girls, weed out the nasty horn-dogs out there by letting it be known from the beginning that you are going to stay a virgin until you're married...if they leave, then that simply means you deserve better. Warning: girls, if the guy does stay with you, don't fault him for occasionally whining or on RARE occasions perhaps getting carried away, especially if he isn't a virgin as well...enjoy the knowledge that they find you physically attractive...but don't let them pressure you, you don't deserve that...and chances are that if he truly cares, then he will always apologize for getting carried away or whining about it...
*To dudes who try to force girls to do things they don't want: FUCK YOU! period, end of story...you are a detestable creature...you have some sort of mental issue...seek help...I'll pray for you, but stay away from me and any girl I know...got it...cuz I can always REMOVE the temptation if I have to...if you catch my drift...
*to guys who hit girls: you think you are manly? bullshit, you are the scum of the earth...anyone can beat-up on someone who can't fight back, little girls in school-yards can do that, all you are doing is using brute strength to cover for the fact that you are a neanderthal...of course, you may not understand what I mean by that so let me clarify: you are stoopid...there? understand that better? I even spelled it phonetically so that you might be able to make your pea-size brain around it. If I ever see someone like you hurt a woman, whether I know her or not or (God-forbid) if you try that shit with me or someone I care for you will be rudely awakened to the fact that some girls do fight back...don't believe me? try it...people like you don't need to reproduce...so start something with me or someone I love and we'll see how much of a man you are without a dick...
*To people that make empty promises: ah, there isn't much I can say to you that will help...but trust me, someday someone will make empty promises to you, and you will be hurt, hopefully you'll learn your lesson....if not, you're in for a lonely life...
*To people that complain about their lives but do nothing about it: ok, it's understandable when you hit a rough patch in your life to confide in your close friends, ask for advice and such...but a)nobody is going to fix your life for you...because guess what, everybody has shitty times and most people are busy dealing with problems of their own and those problems probrobly(believe it or not!) actually are just as bad or (is it possible!) WORSE than yours....and b) when your friends give you advice, take it....don't look disappointed because they are not taking you by the hand and leading you through everything...if you can complain about something, then you can get off your ass and do something about it...if you're not willing to, then you have no right to whine about it... and C) I said it's understandable to confide in your CLOSE FRIENDS....Not everyone who will stand within earshot for more than 10 seconds...most people don't give a damn if the love of your life just doesn't feel the same for you, or that your back has been giving you a fit, or that you and your parents aren't getting along, or that you're having financial troubles...they'll bob their head and say "I'm sorry to hear that..." or "That sucks"...but that is about it...granted, I am the type of person that, if I have the time, I'll sit and listen to you moan and complain all night, and I'll give my advice and even help you put it into action, but when it happens over and over again and you just aren't even trying to help yourself, even I get fed up with it...so yea....basically....just quit your bitchin' and get up off your ass and do something about it...
*to high schoolers: Ok, so when I use that word I'm referring to the high schoolers that are all about the high school drama...come on....grow up...I'm not even going to start because you'll probrobly just think "oh, she is such a bitch, she just doesn't understand me and the problem that I have...the pain I go through...how hard my life is..." heh..you give the real people with hard lives a bad name...grrr....just talk to me when you grow up...

Ok, so there are many more but my fingers are literally about to fall off, and I have stuff to do...so I'm off now...if you think you fall under any of these categories...don't worry, I still love you, I'm just in a ranty mood and all that is ever needed to attain my forgiveness for anything is to ask...that simple...I'm done now...
...fin...
~D~

Yes, I'm alive, I swear...

2006-02-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

Mood of the Moment: overly thoughtful
Music of the moment: none(yes, gravity just ceased to exist)

ok, so I'm not even going to bother with all of the details of the last month...if you know me then you know what has been going on anyway. I't not hat complex really...School, work, school, work, occasional time out with friends. I've spent a lot of time on myspace because it is quicker to get on there at my school...so yea...

a lot has happened recently that makes me think a lot...too much maybe...but yea....I'm going to try to start posting at least semi-regularly here again...and on my myspace blog...you should be able to find me at www.myspace.com/one_thorned_rose ....so yea...til later...
Much Love,
Deanna

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry,
and as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do...

2006-01-06T15:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, so:

To all of the people who keep asking if I'm ok: No, I'm not ok. In fact I won't be ok for a while, so don't ask, because I'm just going to shy away from the answer anyway, and you're going to make me feel worse...

To all of the guys (and few girls) that have offered to re-arange a certain someone's face and/or genetalia for me: I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I would never ask that anything like that be done to anyone, for several reasons, example: a)he doesn't deserve to be treated that way and b) I'm not worth it...

To the people that believe that I got another certain someone fired at the movie theatre: In all truth, I was told that there were three people that were going to be fired(because managers will sometimes tell me these things) One of those people is the person in question, one is just some dude at the theatre, and the other quit anyway. When I found this out, I actually asked managment if they would consider giving the person in question another chance, because they had waited a long time for the job, and they were still kind of new and deserved some slack...and they told me that the order for all 3 of these people to be fired had come from the city manager, and was not negotiable. If you dont believe me, you can ask managers, it was not my doing.

To Matt, Krystal, Bart, and Jeremy: You guys are the shiznit...

To Jennifer: Thank you for showing me that best friends CAN be trusted...

To Tavia: I feel you...

To Jared: Thank you for following me when I kinda bolted last night, and for the whole sort of verbal thrashing...I needed to hear that. You have absolutely no reason to even talk to me and yet you have been one of the few people that actually helped me feel better thus far...thanks...

To Sean: Thank you as well, and please remember what I asked you to do...

To Noelle: Thanks for stopping the bike...it made me smile

To the people who have no idea what I'm talking about: boy, are you out of the loop...

To the people that have not been covered by any of the above: There are a few of you in specific that I have not mentioned just because I do not know what you think about me right now, chances are you never want to talk to me again...which I guess I understand...I dont like me too much either...

yea...I guess that is it, don't know why I wrote all of that, but oh well....

Much Love,
~Me~

"When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
Cuz leaving didn’t hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin’ down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walking up to me with her
So I told you that I was happy for you...
And given the chance I’d lie again...
Just to see you smile..."

2005-12-30T15:38:00.000-05:00

"God don't like ugly..."
this is a saying that some of my friends say occasionally, just joking of course, but in all honesty it could about explain the way certain parts of my life have been going lately...
I mean-
-My purse, along with everything in it is now in someone elses possession
-I may be a victim of identity theft
-the little bit of money that I had saved up, just so happens to be in my purse...
-I have 3 cars that don't run
-I share a room with my 9 year old sister, in a house that has no heat, has duct tape holding things together, and should probrobly be condemned...
-by the end of next month, we may be evicted from that house
-I work all the time, and I'm still broke
-I don't think I make my boyfriend happy, he seems to have a better time with his friends when I'm not there-I always ruin people's days/nights...-I know that he'll someday see how good he is, and realize how much better he can do...
-it seems that everything I try to do fails, and I am good at nothing
-in a world where all that one can hope for is to eventually become a fond memory to the world, I know I wont be remembered at all...

and to all these things/thoughts all I can say is God give me strength, because I seriously need it...

Sorry for the rant,
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-12-19T10:49:00.000-05:00

Mood of the Moment: slightly less stressed...
Music of the Moment: none, I'm at school

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially done with school this semester. Did I pass all of my classes?...I dont know...but...I'm done, and that is the important thing to me. I re-typed my paper, ad made it better, mwahaha. but yea, I am just sort of chillin' here at the schoo waiting on my ride to get here to gt me...I want a car...everyone who knows me just needs to pull together and write me a check for like $1500 so tat I can get my car fixed...that's what I want for Christmas. Grrr... bt yea, I am going to go check for like the 50th time to see if my ride is here yet...
'til later
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-12-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

Mood of the Moment: tired, and I miss Steve...
Music of the Moment: Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.

No, ladies and Gentlemen, I am not dead...unfortunately. Instead I have been running around like crazy. The good news is that I have no more classes this semester....the bad news is that I now have exams...more good news is that I am exempt from two of them...more bad news is that I have a 5-10 page paper that I typed last night, then my pc rebelled and blasted it into oblivion, and I have to re-do it by monday...and with that I'm tired of giving news...

Have I mentioned I hate the Christmas season....

It's not necessarily Christmas...just the season that surrounds it....a collage of chaos masquerading as holiday cheer...it's all a facade...but I gues it isn't as bad as Valentines day...*shudders*....ewww....valentines day...detestable thing that it is...grrr....oh well, I guess you can just call me scroodge....

Til later...
Me

2005-11-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I was pereusing Myspace, and I found this lovely photo of the brotherhood wearing their suits. Even though I dont really know the person that this picture actually belongs to, I stole it anyway...simply because of the foxy guy on the left...tehehe...I figured I'd share it...

2005-11-23T17:19:00.000-05:00

I love my job...

I love my job...

I love my job...

I love my job...

I love my job...

....

yea...

I'm at work....
By the time I get back, it'll be thanksgiving...

so Happy turkey day...

Later,
~Me~

2005-11-16T12:27:00.000-05:00

Mood of the Moment: in a hurry, surprise surprise...
Music of the Moment: Queen - Bicycle

Ok, so yet again I have failed to post in a while and now I don't have much time...so to all of you that dont know anything of me unless you read it in me blog:

--The Ranaissance Festival was awesome, especially the Tortuga Twins at the Boo and Brew, where the guys said that it was probrobly the "raunchiest" performance ever....and I believe them, but I was laughing so hard my ribs were aching...it was great...

--Work has been hectic, but I still love my job...and I've found a new admiration for theatre checks, provided that Stephen is on door...

--hehe....Stephen...my absolutely adorable boyfriend who seems to have no idea how awesome he really is...I would elaborate on his awesomeness...but like I said, I don't have much time, and I know I'd get carried away...(besides, I wouldn't want to make anyone jealous)...

--The people at the Waffle House have begun to recognize my face, and know that I'm probrobly going to order a tea and maybe some hashbrowns, while the guy next to me orders coffee with a lot of extra cremes...

--Jon and Heather are engaged, and are to be married next Halloween...I'm so going(partially just to see one of the gorgious groomsmen...hehe)...

--Jennifer...I miss you, let's go do something...

--To those that were at the Starbucks last Friday...I'm sorry I couldn't come, I had a birthday party to go to...it was at Olive Garden...and you know how much I love Olive Garden...

ok, I think that is enough to tide you over until I can post again...I promise I'll try to find more time....I've just sort of been a busy person...

Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-11-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

ok....so yea, I appologize about the lack of posts....

no time now....

check out my photobucket.com account...
I'm crypticrose87, and the read only password is forgive.....

later,
DeAnna

2005-10-28T13:08:00.000-04:00

ok dudes...I'm gonna make this quick...

Last night was Thursday...I watched Zorro...oh my gosh...if you know the movie Fight Club then you shall find some very entertaining things in that movie. Even without that it was pretty good though. Too long....but good.

Today...I am going to the renaissance festival...at night...because I can. WOO HOO!!!! ok....so yea...

Went to la escuela today...I actually got to talk to everyone that I wanted to except for like two. One was a teacher and wasn't there, and one just didn't talk...but that's cool. I got to bug Jennifer for like a half an hour, it made me happy...but yea...I'm gonna go now sos I can see my boyfriend before I go the the party...

Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-10-26T21:10:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Happy
Music of the Moment: Steve playing guitar

Yea, just figured I'd put something in here in case I didn't feel like it when I got home. I'm currently chilling over at Sean's place, with sean and Steve...I should be home later, til then..
Much Love,
DeAnna

I dont know why
I cant keep my eyes
off of you

2005-10-24T12:25:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: happy, somewhat nervous
Music of the Moment: Staind - Right Here

Yea, so I went and did pheresis today...fun fun. I watched parts of O Brother Where Art Thou and Ocean's Eleven. Fun stuff, really. Then I went to Wal-Mart to buy pixie stix, then to the theatre to meet Steve. We went to be moral support for Jason at his yu-gi-oh competition (he made it to top 8, only to be beaten by my cousin Shal). But yea, it was cool...

*phone rings...*...*6 minutes later*...hehe....he just called....you know who I speak of....hehe.

But yea, it was fairly cool, it was nice hangin' out with Steve all day away from the theatre...without constant survaillance...woot! hehe...

But yea, I'm tired, and I'm sure my Iron is low from having my blood sucked out...so I'm headed to bed now...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Me: (tauntingly to Matt)Awww...are you going to fire me Mr. Staff Leader???
Matt: Stephen, you need to control your woman here...
Stephen: (looks at me...gives a half smile)dude...she's the one with the chain, I'm the one wearing the collar...

I adore that boy...

2005-10-23T00:24:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Pretty happy, but tired
Music of the Moment: Staind - For You

Yea, so Friday I went to work...I had to work the midnight shows...a select few people had to stay and work downstairs until about 12:30...and funny enough, one of the people that volunteered was Stephen...it was because he needed the money...really....it had nothing to do with me...really...I...swear...hehe. So yea, I ended up going downstairs after he got off work and chilling with him out in front of the theatre until like 1:30ish, then went upstairs and watched part of Ghostbusters on the PSP until theatres let out, then I went home.

Today I slept pretty late ...I mean, I had to get up and immediately get ready for work...and I had to be at work at 12:30...so yea. I worked day shift. I knew that Stephen was scheduled for 3-cl...but funny enough he showed up towards the beginning of the day, and proceeded to hang out upstairs with me until it was time for him to clock in, so that was cool. Then when I got off I went downstairs and bugged him for a bit. Then I went to waffle house and dragged Ben along. Came back and bugged my boyfriend some more...hid from my stalker...watched family guy (yea...I definately lost brain cells)...then I went out and sat with Matt in his car for a bit (if any of you know much about Matt, you know that there is generally one reason he goes to sit in his car....so yea, I lost even more brain cells...) then I told Matt that I was kidnapping Stephen for a little bit, and so me and Steve mysteriously vanished until it was time to close down concessions. So yea...then we hung out a bit after everything was closed...then he had to go, and I went back upstairs to the office where Matt had so graciously hooked up the slim PS2 and messed around a bit with FFX and Shadow of the Colossis...it was pretty nifty, I liked the music and some of the designs in the Colossis one...I'd never seen that game before tonight, so yea. Then my dad came to get me, and now I am here....yep.

I'm gonna stop now though, simply because I am supposed to be at the red cross tomorrow at 8 to give platelets, then I'm going out with Stephen (a day we're both off WooT!)...so yea, until later,
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-10-20T15:48:00.000-04:00

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive...

I= pitiful...

2005-10-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: cold...*walks over and puts on Steve's jacket*...make that good...
Music of the Moment: Rise Against - Swing Life Away (acoustic)

Yea, so I appologize for the fact that I have failed to put anything on this blog for the past while....hmmmm....my problem now is the fact that I have done quite a bit, and I wish to relay it to my handful of faithful readers...but I just really dont feel like typing a novel here on the blog...so I shall have to find some happy medium. Let's see...should I go in chronilogical order, or order of importance? Well I kind of suck at putting things that happened several days ago in chronological order, but it is also hard for me to put them in order of importance. I am also having a hard time remembering where I left off , therefore I shall start with last Thursday night...

Yea, last Thursday night I went into work at six...because I was scheduled at six, and therefore it is the natural order of things that I should arrive and clock in at six. Scott was also scheduled at six. Scott, however, obviously does not agree with me on the natural order of things. When I arived I recieved a message from Will that Scott had called and was going to be late, but that if nothing else he would at least call at 8, if he wasn't already there. I proceeded to go about the usual Thurday stuff. I built the trailer packs for the films that were to be aired the next day, and attached them to the films that Will had so graciously built that day...I got all the new schedules...I found out which movies needed to be broken down that night...I moved the movies that were to be screened that night to the placed that they were to be screened at...and then there was nothing left that I could do until the end of the night. So I went downstairs and bugged my boyfriend for a bit. In case you haven't figured it out, by this point it was far past 8 o'clock. At 10 o'clock I finally got a call from Scott saying that he would be there in 30 minutes...there was no explanation of where he had been all night, and no appologies. An hour later he showed up...he was just in time to ask me if I had done everything and to start the preview of his movie. Although it is awefully convenient how his girlfriend was with him...so yea, at the end of the night after I had watched my movie (I had to fix a sensor tape in it...grr) I came upstairs and noticed that his was already done as well. He said his movie sucked badlly...that made me happy....because I liked my movie (I watched Elizabethtown, he watched the fog)but yea, then he decided to take a tone like he had been hard at work all night and was tired...a sort of hateful toneand was like "yea, you can either break down Emily Rose or you can get your strapping young man there to halp you move all of the films to where they need to be...but you need to decide sometime in the next oh say 30 seconds because I dont feel like being here all night so I need to know." Yea...those of you that know me, know that it is very hard to make me mad...it is difficult to annoy or irk me...it is excessively hard to actually make me angry...but that statement, made in that tone, that made me angry. I mean I was beyond pissed. I wanted to flat out smack that superiority complex right out of his system...but what did I do? I bit my lip, I looked at Steve, and I asked if he would like to help me move movies, then I told Scott that we'd move movies if he broke down "Emily Rose." So we did that, then Scott and I went around and allegedly six projectors each, even though I counted, and I so did seven and he did 5...but anyway, then Scott left...at this point it was around 3:15am. I still had to do letters since I hadn't had anyone there to thread or keep an eye on the film earlier so that I could do it during my shift (doing letters is the term we use for when we change the letters on the massive sign out front of the theatre that tells what we are playing, you know, the one that you can look at as you sit at the stop light on hanes mall blvd...we also call it the marquis, depending on how official we feel like sounding). So yea, thursday night I left the theatre at about 4am. I then prodeeded to go to Waffle House for some hashbrowns...and guess who was there? Scott and Johnson (johnson = Amanda Johnson, Scott's girlfriend, ex-wynnsong-projectionist, and fairly good acquaintence of mine). Oh it's amazing how his attitude changed...he was all happy and didn't seem to be tired anymore...there was still no explanation as to why he was late, and no appology...nothing...so yea...I'm still quite angry with him for that.

So yea...Friday, I know that I worked....but I dont remember anything else...

Saturday...I worked the day shift, but I took some clothes with me to change into. I left work thirty minutes early so that Sean, Steve, and I could drive to Raliegh. What was in Raleigh you ask? Well that would be Def Leppard. Yep, we wet ot the Def Leppard/Bryan Adams concert. But it gets better. We paid 24.50 a piece for yard tickets, right? Well when we got there...through some rather miraculous chain of events, we ended up as VIPs yep...I have the bracelet to prove it. It was awesome. We got free food and drinks, chilled in the VIP lounge, and better seats...it was beautiful. There was one amusing time when Stephen was like "There is this dude over at the bar that keeps checking you out....I wanna kick his a--..." and he was dead serious....but I got him to calm down...I thought it was kinda cute...hehe...but yea....the whole thing rocked...

Sunday I...uhhh....hung out with Steve....surprise surprise....we saw the fog, went and got something to eat and just generally hung out for a bit. We talked about future stuff. He mentioned the military again. Last time he said something about it I told him that I didn't like it, but that I couldn't stop him...and this time when he said something he looked at me and was like "and dont tell me that you can't stop me...because you are right now..whether you mean to or not..." it took me a second to see what he meant by that...but when I did it made me happy to hear.

Yesterday I went up to the old High School for 4th period, so that I could chill with the theatre class. I seriously was surprised at how many people were like "DeAnna!!!" It was cool....I felt loved. Yea, I so couldn't remember what period Jennifer had Library assistant, so I went and asked and the lady was like "she has it frst period"....grrr. So I had no Idea where to look for her, or any of the other people that I would have liked to see, so i just went back to the auditorium. Then I came home and then went somewhere with my g-ma. Then up to Hot Topic w/Sydney just to look around, then to work to find that Steve was already there waiting for me. Work last night was very entertaining. Steve decided that it was time to burn another standee. We'd done it before...it wasn't a big deal. So Steve, me, Sean, and Ben all went outside to watch Ms. Diaz go up in flames. It was beautiful...until the cop came. Then the firetruck...yea.....Turns out that there is a city wide level 6 ordinance that states that it is illegal to burn anything without authorization in the city of Winston-Salem...yep...long story short Matt ended up taking the fall and got a citation and fined $100, which Steve offered to pay. So yea. I kinda felt bad...but when you think about it, it's really just stupid. I mean...the firetruck arrived to fight a fire that, at that point in time, was about 6 inches tall. geez...

So yea...this morning I woke up, sat around, ate, and blogged...whew....and now I'm going to go rest my bloody fingers for a bit and then go meet Steve at the theatre at 5. Til later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-10-13T01:47:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: pretty nifty...
Music of the Moment: The hum of the computer

Ok, so today was fairly cool. I mean the first while was kinda dull....sitting around, staring at the computer...looking for someone that could take me to Olive Garden because I have this wierd craving for it. But yea...I didn't find anyone...

A little after 3 my g-ma took me to meet dear Stephen. Then him, Jason, and I went to the mall to pick up some stuff for their halloween costumes (Mario and Luigi). We also stopped by Hot Topic so that I could get a fishnet tee, Game Stop so that Steve could get a game he wanted, Sheetz so we could get frozen mochas(to which I've gotten Steve addicted), and Belk's so that I could get my new glasses. Yes, that's right...I have new glasses....they look nearly identical, only these dont have Brian's bloody teeth marks on them, and they are not loose, and they have all of the parts required for keeping them together, and the perscription is better. Hehe...

Anywho, then we went to get some food at the Dynasty Buffet. mmmm...chinese. Yep, Steve eats sushi. Eew...but oh well. hehe... Then we went to the theatre to watch a movie...only we were like an hour early...but then Brizi (pronounced breezy, short for Alex febrizio) and Jared pulled up and we all went to hang out at the bowling alley for a while...then came back and met up with Jason...then watched most of the movie...than came outside and hung out by Jason's car. Then Jason thought it would be terribly clever to push me into his trunk as I was getting something out of it and shut me in there and drive around the parking lot...yep...I was ready to kill him...and so was Steve...especially after he found out that I had cut my knee in the process. But yea, it was all good. so yea...eventually the fun had to end...so then I came hime and now I am here...

Jennifer...just be warned that I am probrobly so going to call you tomorrow...

but yea....I'm tired....I'm off to bed...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Come what may...
I will love you
until my dieing day...

2005-10-12T01:11:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: pretty happy
Music of the Moment: Muse

Hacker House rocked.....

No School tomorrow...

Stephen...oh my, dont get me started....

I definately wnat to do something tomorrow....before 3 (which is when I meet Steve)

Have I mentioned the awesomness that is my significant other commonly referred to as Steve?

no work tomorrow...

I wanna go to the mall...

or Olive Garden....

or both....

if there is anyone I know reading this who would like to give me a ride...I'd buy you food! Gimme a call...

um yea....I'm tired.

Going to bed now...
Much Love,
DeAnna

'Cause it's you and me
and all of the people
and I dont know why
I can't keep my eyes
off of you...

2005-10-09T02:07:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Kinda bummed.
Music of the Moment: yep....muse...

yea, so I worked today and Stephen worked tonight, so I stayed so that I could bug him. It was pretty cool....everyone came to the conclusion that I am most definately a distraction if I am around and Steve is supposed to be working. So yea, they were short staffed, so of course I ended up helping. Then Steve and I took out the trash...we had to make two trips....for there was a lot of trash....because the theatre was very busy tonight. So yea...then The end of the night finally came around and I acyually got to hang out with Steve for a bit...then I was invited to stay over at Jason's house with him and Steve tonight. So we got to being like 2 minutes away from his house when my dad called and said that he had changed his mind, and that he didn't want me staying over at a guys house....now...I was intending on watching Jason and Steve play mortal kombat...no joke....that was the grand plan...and I'm very tired, so I would have probrobly fallen asleep very early...and it is only because I am so tired that I am not about to go into a very long spill about how much it pisses me off that my parents dont trust me, and how overprotective my dad is, and how in all honesty I wish I was living somewhere else right now, etc...but...I'm tired....so instead of all that....I'm simply going to go to bed...until later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

PS: If you want to know something about your daughter, dont sneak around and read a blog by Cloe in New York all about how she lost her virginity...dont talk with all of your friends about how their daughters got pregnant at 16 by some guy who said he loved her yada yada...guess what, your friends are all a bunch of addict screw-ups...you've said it yourself. Most likely at the point in time that their daughters got pregnant, they were either drunk, stoned, or in jail....and yet they are still surprised that their kid goes and makes a huge mistake in life. The people you work with are not you. Their daughters are not your daughter. So why would you expect the same thing to happen? It is because of lack of trust. Let me tell you....lack of trust can only go so far before it ultimately results in one thing: your daughter moves out.

Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse

2005-10-05T16:50:00.000-04:00

Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse Muse!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude....I got my Muse CD back...I am like high on music right now...but yea....I'm 'bout to break away from this beautiful experience to go to work...so I can bug Matt by playing Muse in the office all night...hehe...until later....
Much Love,
DeAnna

Hopelessly
I'll give you everything.
But I won't
give you up...
I won't let you down...
And I won't
leave you falling...

2005-10-05T01:36:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: tehehe...
Music of the Moment: none (le gasp)

Ok, so I actually had a night off tonight...oh my gosh....is it possible?! Hehe, so of course I spent it with Stephen. Yep...and he's coming to see me at work tomorrow...and then thursday we have an outing planned....and then we work together all weekend. Fun stuff. I think since we started dating there has been one day when we haven't seen each other, and on that day he called 3 times. Does this bother me? nope.

Yea, so Jennifer came up there last night to see me at work...it made me mucho happy. I was like "Yay!! someone to talk to while I work!!"...plus I hadn't seen Jennifer in a while anyway...and I did miss dear Jennifer...so seeing her made me happy.

Yea, the sad thing is that other than those two events, I really have nothing to report. Yep...pathetic...that's me.....oh well, until next time...
Much Love,
DeAnna

"Tonight
we make soap"

2005-09-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: tired, but giddy anyway...
Music of the Moment: Green Day - Wake me up When September ends

Yea, I've been kinda slack about blogging lately. My appologies. It has sort of been a cross between the fact that I haven't had much time, and the fact that I generally have 3 things to talk about : Steve, School, and Work...and, well, work is work....I'm pretty much being trained to be head projectionist...fun fun. School is school...I've got an annoying stalker guy, named David. He wouldn't be annoying if it wasn't for the fact that he knows the routes I take for all of my class changes, and he knows when my breaks are, and he always happens to run into me whenever possible....and he invades the heck out of my personal bubble, which is reserved for a select few. Speaking of the people allowed to be in my personal bubble, Steve and I have somewhat given up on speaking for ourselves when the other is around. Simply because I almost always answer for him and vice versa...not that I mind a bit. Conveniently enough our schedules pretty much match up for the next few days...and we both work a double on Saturday, which means break together. That makes me happy, because then they cant get mad at us for being too close...at least for that hour. Hehe, also, Steve is discovering how difficult it can be to quit smoking. He was thoroughly convinced that he could drop it cold turkey, and I encouraged him, but I fully expected it to be hard....and it is....but I have faith in him. I mean, it took me like 4 tries, and I didn't smoke as much as he did...so yea, if you pray, pray for him.

On to other things....I finally have enough money to get my crappy car fixed. Woo Hoo!!! It happifies me. Then again it really doesn't take much to happify me currently. It's cool. My friend Jason asked me the other day out of nowhere if I was happy...like, with life in general...and I thought about it for a minute and realized that for the first time in like forever, I can honestly say yes...and I'm not saying happy as in I'm doing fine...I mean I'm happy....I'm like giggly all the time...it's crazy. I mean yea, not everything is all perfect, but nothing really brings me down. I guess you can say I'm back on my feet and such. I'm not going to be all school girl-ish and say it is all because of Steve, but he really is a big part of it. It also has to do with the way work and school are going, my car will soon be on the road...all sorts of things. Hehe...so yea...

Oh, by the way....Jennifer, if you read this, I promise I have been meaning to send you an email, but my thing decided that it hates me and wont let me sign in...and I haven't really had the time to work on it, but when I do you are first on my correspondance list...hehe...

anyway, I'm about to go get ready for work now, I like to go early so that I can hang out downstairs w/Stephen before I actually have to work...I might blog either tonight or tomorrow...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-28T00:56:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Happy
Music of the Moment: none, I dont feel like messing with it...I'm about to go to bed...

Ok, I really would write about my day...but I really just wan to type Steve's name over and over again....so I shall spare all of you te pain...just know that it was a good day, and a better night...*smiles*...I happy...
Much Love,
DeAnna

"Frankly my dear,
I dont give a damn..."

2005-09-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: hard to explain
Mood of the Moment: Three Doors Down - Let me go

Ok, so I just figured I'd outright say that I have never turned my back on anyone, and I never intend to, just because I firmly believe that people can change. Having said that, there are some people (one in particular) that had better be QUITE glad about the fact that I am so forgiving. Not everyone is that way. Most people will eventually turn away. If you treat people like shit, just because it helps you get what you want...if you take peoples trust, love, hopes, and feelings and play with them like your own little yo-yo, just to toss it aside when a more interesting toy comes along, and then expect to pick it up as if nothing ever happened later on down the road...when it becomes useful again...then people will get tired of it. If you always say whatever seems most profitable to you, but then never back it up...people will get tired of it. You may not mean to be an absolute bastard to the people around you, you may not do it intentionally to hurt anyone else...you dont have to....you just do it to help yourself. That is what is important....that you are happy....and people must understand what you have to do to be happy, right???

Bullshit...

If you hurt people...you hurt people...period. If you live your life to serve only yourself, regardless of others and their feelings, eventually it will come back and bite you right on the ass. Any fear that you may have of being alone will come true. That is inevitable. I know that if you are one of the people that I am talking to, then you are not going to believe me right now. You wont believe me until it actually happens. But just know, that if there is a moment in your life when you are broken and alone, I dont care who you are, I turn my back on no one. If you happen to be one of those people that I am talking to then I may be extremely pissed at you....I may say "I told you so" until you are sick of hearing it... but I turn my back on no one. Granted, I hope nobody has to go through that sort of thing in order to change....but there are some people that I just think are headed straight for it....fast. So yea...

Whew.....sorry about that....I promise I am actually in a good mood...(mostly thanks to Steve)...but something happened last night that just sort of set those thoughts into motion, and I had to get them out. I am good now. Anyway...I didn't do much today. I went to work....worked....hung out and bugged Steve while he worked...then I came home and talked to Jennifer, then Steve called....even though it was not time for him to be off work...turns out that just after i left, he asked to go home early because he "wasn't feeling well"...so that he could come home and call me. So I talked to him for a quite good while, then I talked online a bit.....helped dear Bracken with some Calc. homework over the internet (brain now = pile of goo)....good stuff....then I started typing in me blog...and now I am here. Oh, by the way, please forgive the earlier language...I was a bit....um....flustered...so yea. Anywho, I am off to chillax now....probrobly going to bed soon...but yea...I'm going to the theatre tomorrow at 4 to....ummm....meet Steve...imagine that....hehe...so yea....I dont know when I'll be home....I may or may not blog. I dont know...until then.....
Much Love,
DeAnna

Oh well,
it seems likes such fun
Until you lose
what you had won

2005-09-25T01:07:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: "dude..."
Music of the Moment: Radiohead - Creep

So I worked today. Fun fun. Built a movie...woo hoo...yea, "In Her Shoes" it's a bloody 7 reels long! Geez! But yea. Then I changed and hung out with Steve until it was time for us to sit down to watch THE CORPSE BRIDE!!! yea, it rocked...I heart Tim Burton. But yea, i got the opportunity to show Steve off to a couple of people tonight...I felt special. We actually ran into several people that we knew. Steve ran into a couple of guys that he used to be in a band with, and I ran into Bracken (who had to meet Steve, of course) and Brian (who didn't seem to care to meet Steve, but I think he noticed who he was)....yea, it was an interesting night...then after he AWESOME Corpse Bride, me and Steve went outside and hung out for a bit, walked around, then finally just layed on Seans car until Sean got off work to take Steve home. But yea, it made me happy...until he had to leave...then I got sad...and now I am anxiously awaiting 5pm tomorrow...grrr....well....I'm going to bed now, to sleep away the long hours. until next time...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-22T12:36:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I am such a little girl
Music of the Moment: Beck - Loser

ok....so i really didn't do much of any consequence today....as usual. I went to school, took a test, got a test back (95)...chilled and talked to Miranda for a while....avoided my stalker guy....David....he is really creepy. But yea, other than that I just came home and helped my sister with her project...grr...I talked to Jennifer on the phone...then Steve for about an hour...then I hung up with him...then about 5 minutes later the phone rang...and it was Steve...yea...I'm really not sure of the exact amount of time we spent on the phone today...but I do know that he called three times. I couldn't go anywhere today, so I couldn't see him. Hence the long time on the phone. Hmmm, other than that, there is really nothing to report...I lead a somewhat boring life. Darn that real world....but yea, I'm going to bed now...because I have nothing better to do...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-21T02:05:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Tired, still happy
Music of the Moment: System of a Down - Aerials

yep...It's hard to work when Steve comes to visit...
Yep...I've been officially invited to go to West Forsyth's prom this year...
yep...me Gusta Steve...

so yea, I worked tonight...Steve was there for most of me shift. I actually discovered an amazing concept about time. If I was downstairs hanging out with Steve, and we look and see that I have 10 more minutes before I have to go upstairs, then that 10 minutes felt as though it was only a second. However, if I was upstairs working and I had 10 minutes to go before I could go back downstairs again, it was as though 10 minutes turned to ten days...it is truly a very fascinating concept...but yea, otherwise the night was uneventful. So I really have nothing to report...plus I'm tired....so I am off to bed now...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-20T15:31:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I happy
Music of the Moment: Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.

Ok, so I came to the conclusion that I'm going to beat Steve to a pile of goo...(not really)...just because he got this song stuck in my head...It is addicting, and really cool, if you ignore that little D12 splurge in it...grrr....D12...growl...

Ok let's see, I work tonight...coolness, because I think that Matt is back...I was supposed to call him today as a matter of fact...but I don't feel like it. I'll call him from the theatre if he is not there. Plus, of course, Steve's coming to see a movie...so I get to chill with him for a bit...oh jeez...I just had a thought...what if Sean is there tonight?...hmm...yea...he is still in the dark as far as I know...Steve may have told him by now, but I dont know...hmm...oh well...

I really hope I am off this Friday, because I have a chance to see some people that I miss greatly. hmmm....

ok, I am done for now, I'm bored with typing...so i'm going to go amuse myself in some other way...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-20T01:21:00.000-04:00

Mwahaha, sorry boys, Steve finally got over his pansyness...so I am now...officially...off the market...and I'm officially tired, so I'm going to bed...night...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-19T18:06:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Kinda bored
Music of the Moment: Tool - Schism

I am so definately off work today. Oh my cow. I almost dont know what to do. It's wierd. Plus this was my short day at school. I haven't done anything of consequence all day. It is just sort of befuddling to me. and yes...befuddling is a word.

Yea, so I spent like 45 minutes last night with Steve just trying to figure out a good plan on how to talk to Sean...to break the news...yea...never got the courage to do it...this could end up getting very ugly...ah well...

Yea, so I got like an hour before I head out to see Lord of War w/Steve...hmmm....what to do with that hour?? I may play DDR, I haven't had time to do much of that recently...I could eat...nah, if I do that then I wont be able to eat when I see Steve, and therefore he wont eat it....and the kid needs food in a bad way. OOOOHHH my gosh!!!! I dont know why I forgot to mention this until now...I GOT MY KEY!!!! I EARNED MY KEY!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! I'm a real(er) projectionist now! *calms down*...It makes me happy...

but yea, I think I am going to go act upon my DDR reflex now...if anyone wants to find me tonight...um...try the theatre, if I'm not there...I hope you know the cell number...
Until later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

There should be a new category of breaks.
We have smoke breaks,
coffee breaks,
"fresh-air" breaks...
What we really need
are pixie stick breaks...
yea...hehe...

2005-09-18T02:06:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: dare I say it...happy...but in a cautious way...
Music of the Moment: Green Day - Minority

ok, so yesterday I worked at night. #8 decided that it hated me...it wrapped, big time, but I got to it in time and fixed it...didn't even have to stop the movie....beat that...

Yea, towards the end of my shift I was breaking down a movie, and Steve had already finished and clocked out, so he was hanging out with me upstairs as I broke down the movie. Eventually Sean came up there, there was some chatting...and eventually it worked out that I was invited to come midnight swimming at sean's mom's house, which happens to be like 10 minutes frm mine. So you know what I did? I went midnight swimming at Sean's mom's house...we only swam until like 1:45ish...then we went back inside and chilled out in the basement playing with the 3D glasses...getting high on sugar (candy....pixie sticks...)...listening to music....and messing around with a strobe light...yea...mucho fun. I didn't get home until like 10 'til 5am...beautiful....hehe...

Today I went into work at 1, I worked downstairs because I am nice and took one of my friends' shift for them. I ended up working a little past 5, which is when Sean and Steve showed up...Sean had to work, Steve was just there to hang out. So, naturally, I didn't go home immediately after work. In fact I didn't go home a little bit after work. No...I didn't come home until after 11 o'clock...and I found out some very interesting things. See, apparently I am causing some disagreement amongst some of the males that I know. I found out tonight that I truly have 5 guys that all know each other that all like me. Hmmm, interesting it is....it almost makes me feel bad...but hey, I cant help it if I only like one of them....hehe...

Oh, did I mention that Jon came to the theatre? Yea, it was cool, we got to talk for a while, and I haven't seen him in forever...he's got a bloody mohawk now...haha, I like it better than when he had that stupid black poof thing going on...hehe...

Ok, other than that, there isn't really much to report...and I'm tired...though I cant imagine why, hehe....so I am off to bed...until later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-17T04:56:00.000-04:00

yea....that last post....just sort of ignore that...

I just got home...

I'm tired....

My dad is yelling...

going to bed now...

Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-16T12:43:00.000-04:00

Steve = a dick...

the end....

wow, that didn't last long...

2005-09-15T18:36:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Bored
Music of the Moment: The Killers - Somebody told me

I am off work today. Woot! In all actuality, I am not completely off of work. I have a meeting tonight at 8pm...then I am probrobly gonna hang out a bit afterwards, possibly see a movie...or pick on Steve about the fact that he has to work...since he has managed to make it up to the theatre every night this week...even though the kid has no car. Haha, I made him and a couple of my other boys do some manual labor last night... they carried my grey-can movies downstairs for me...mwahaha...So yea, we also came to the conclusion that Steve is extremely toned...but it isn't because he works out...because he hasn't worked out a day in his life...he has awesome abs and stuff simply because he is so freaking thin that his skin sucks up to his muscle. He is fairly tall, but only weighs 120...geez! But yea, Sean apparently "knows for sure" that I like him...only...I dont like him....in fact I find him quite obnoxious...I'm just too nice to tell him this...grr...Headache guy came last night too, I know his name, I just forget it all the time, but yea, he seems pretty cool, he always waves at me when he leaves the theatre...one day I am gonna steal his necklace...he just doesn't know it yet. Ok, the name thing is really bothering me...I just cant remember it....hmmm...

ok, so I found out today that stuff will get to me if it is sent to the new address, which is muy cool. How did I find this out? Well a couple of weeks ago, I sent a letter, this letter contained a couple of gift certificates to someone...due to complications, they were unable to recieve this letter...and I got it back today. I plan on resending it...just because I .....I dont know....I just have this need for it to be sent and to actually arrive there...I'll go nuts if it doesn't....even if it is incredibly late now....grr...

I had a test today in Intro. to Old Testament...it had essays....I hate essays...All together I wrote 2.5 pages of essays, it annoyed me....but I think I did ok...I mean, c'mon....it's on the Bible!! hehe...

oh well, I guess I am gonna go, kids need help on their homework...until later,
Much Love,
DeAnna

Sean: You wanna play strip poker with us?
Me: No...
Sean: awww, why not??
Me: Dude, I suck at poker...
Steve: Oh please play!

2005-09-14T17:34:00.000-04:00

Guess who came to see me at work last night...

Haha, gotta go make some money now....

Until later,
Much Love,
DeAnna

You want me to throw a shoe at him? I'll do it! _ Steve

2005-09-13T00:16:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Tired, but in a good way
Music of the Moment: 3 Doors Down - Behind those eyes

so I got home at nearly midnight...yes, I realize it was a 7:20 movie...but Steve needed a ride home...nad when I got to his house I needed to use the phone...and then he asked if I wanted something to drink...and it is just impolite to not accept when someone offers you something to drink...and you know I have to drink soda really slowly...because if not then it makes me insides feel funny...and my how time flies! Haha...but yea, tonight was mucho fun, and Steve said he'd try to make it up to work to see me tomorrow, since I seem to work every day this week that he doesn't. So that should be cool. Maybe I'll be less bored, though I may get less work done. But yea, I wont bore anyone with details...fun night...the end....I have school tomorrow...till later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

and my time
is a piece of wax
falling on a termite
that's choking on the splinters

2005-09-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: kinda bored
Music of the Moment: Seether - Remedy

Ok, so because of the fact that I have spent nearly all of my time at work this weekend, I have come to a few conclusions. First of all, Kilbrew is kinda getting creepy, more than once he has sort of cornered me....he is always like 6 inches away from me, and it gets kind of annoying. Second of all, Steve and I working the same shift is completely counterproductive. Like, I worked a double yesterday, both shifts upstairs. I didn't get a break, reall, since I was the only one there who knew how to fix the projectors if something was to mess up. So I sort of took a pseudo-break, which consists of the manager telling me that I can go downstairs and hang out and eat and stuff, and I have to clock out for at least 30 minutes, due to law. Well, I went downstairs for about an hour...and approximately 30 minutes of that was locked in a popcorn fight with Steve, another 15 was spent hangin out outside with Steve, about 10 minutes trying to shoot straws into the trashcan while Steve tried to block them...and I think the rest of the time I used for eating and such. Ok, so I go upstairs at around 6...make my rounds, start threading, finally I finish playing all the movies up until 7:20. Go downstairs to get some drink...Amazingly enough I got cought up downstairs, and didn't go back up until I had to start the 8 o'clock movie. I started it, checked all the machines, and proceeded to go back downstairs...because Steve told me he'd be waiting...is anybody noticing a pattern? Yea, if you aren't, you are just really, um...slow...so yea, then at the end of the night, all of the downstairs workers can go at like just a little bit after ten...at like 11:40-ish Steve left, he was upstairs hanging out w/me while I was building a movie. It was actually very good timing, because my dad got there at like 11:45, no joke...it was funny. But yea, other than that not much has happened. I'm getting better at projection, I know this because I rescued #8 from a brain wrap last night, the brain malfunctioned, and I cought it, just in time, mwahaha!!! But yea, I'm gonna go now...because I have to get ready to go to the movies. I'm going to see The Exorcism of Emily Rose....with Steve...I may type more when I get home, until then,
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-11T12:56:00.000-04:00

I have been working, and I will continue to do so...I worked a double yesterday, and I work a double today...so if you need me : 765-1555

the good news : Looked at the scheduele for today : Stephen :5-cl....Sean: off.....SCORE!!!!!

The bad news, I'm gonna be there for 11 hours today...

Oh well, I'm off monday, So I'll prob. blog then...
Much love,
DeAnna

Know all of the things
that make you who you are
I know that goodbye
means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me
to catch him every time he falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful...

2005-09-09T23:01:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: thoughtful
Music of the Moment: Muse - Hysteria

Ok, so, what did I do today...ahh yes, physical therapy. Beautiful thing physical therapy is. I actually am not being sarcastic. You see, I was talking to Cory, he found out that I heart Volleyball...he let me pretty much play for physical therapy. He told me that with a bit more work I can prob. play again...he...hehe....hehehe! Hmmm, I really should not be posting this online. People might think I like sports....and I dont....I detest sports. I just like Volleyball. I played on a team before the wreck. but yea...

Then I went to eat something with my grandmother, then I went to school. Talked to Katie for a bit, since she has kinda skipped the last couple of classes. I told her to give Cory a Happy belated B-day wish for me, since she did not get to see me before hand. I lost his number, so I cant tell him meself...Then I came home, got online for some school stuff, then jogged a bit, got up to the bus stop just in time to pick the kids up, came home, did some more stuff on the computer, then Jennifer called.

Ok, so we decided to go see a movie, didn't really know which one, but we went anyway. So we got to the theatre, and finally decided on The Exorcism of Emily Rose...the movie was lovely, the only problem is that both of us were too proud to cling to each other during certain parts. We needed another person...a guy...to like sit between us so that if we grabbed onto him we would not look really wierd. Really didn't matter who, although I wouldn't mind if it was, oh, I dont know, perhaps someone named Stephen...haha....but that is just me. ..

(just so that everyone knows, between that last paragraph and the next one, I took a two hour break in typing, to make a phone call...)

Anyway, we went to the mall, walked around for a bit, bumped into Eric...be proud of him, he is taking an honors class this year...but yea, him and Jennifer talked about their senior superlatives this year. Jennifer wants most musical. I told them that I dont know about all of the categories, but I know that for most musical I would put Jennifer, since I dont really know any other musical girls in her grade, and I'd of course put Brian Beck as the guy. Eric would get the vote for most theatrical, along with Noelle. I know that they prob. have a best eyes and best hair category, but if I tell who I'd put for those, I would incriminate myself...

but yea, then I came home...talked on the phone with one of my friends that is away at college, then I checked my caller ID to see who had called...then I started typing this, then i talked to jennifer, then I paused typing this for a little while, and made a phone call....then I sort of curled up in a ball and cried for a bit, now I'm feeling a little better, and now I am finishing this post, and I must go give my paw-paw his shot...
until some other time...
Much Love,
DeAnna

[insert somewhat angry, somewhat suicidal, completely hopeless lyrics here]

2005-09-09T16:29:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I can take it
Music of the Moment: Flogging Molly - Factory Girls

Ok, so tonight when I get home, there shall be updates of the links section. I think there is one that I am going to remove now, one that I'm gonna give until about October the 1st, then it's gonna be gone, and several that need to be updated. I actually take links seriously, if there is a link for you over there, feel special. But yea, I started this post, then figured out I didn't actually have time to talk about anything, but I'll be back tonight most likel, since someone (who shall remain nameless *caugh Crystal caugh*) mis-informed me on where the game was, so yea...I'm going to see a movie instead. I should be home pretty early, so until then...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

2005-09-08T20:47:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Grr...
Music of the Moment: Green Day- Wake me up when September ends

Ok, so I plan for a week to have a time when I am going to be at home alone....and then it takes me like 45 minutes to will myself to have the courage to dial a simple number...I freak out as the phone rings, only to get the answering machine, and then I am too much of a pansy to leave a message...so yea...a complete waste...oh well...I am about to go watch a movie...If anyone is at the game tomorrow, I'll be there. Until then...
Much Love,
DeAnna

2005-09-08T02:04:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: just dont bloody ask
Music of the Moment: Flogging Molly - The Spoken Wheel

Last night at work absolutely rocked. I threaded, watched Matt fix something, started movies, talked to the guy I like, without his bloody friend there being all in my space, and it was quite awesome. Then he left *sadness* and so I went on a smoke break with Matt, then came inside and sat upstairs playing Death Jr., Then went on another smoke break w/Matt, then sat on the curb with Matt, danced around in the parking lot, went back in and played some other game I forgot the name to, lost interest, and spun around in the chair for a little bit. That was the seven o'clock shows. As I was threading the nine o'clocks, I came to number seven and I noticed someone through the port-glass (the window between the projector and the theatre where people watch the movie) and I turned, and Stephen (the aforementioned guy that I like) was standing on one of the back seats in the auditorium so that he could put his face RIGHT ON the port glass, and he was smiling at me...I laughed at him...and then continued threading, even though I was nervous because he was watching. I didn't have anything else to thread for a bit so I stood there and watched as him and Kilbrew frolicked about the auditorium like idiots. They had the whole place to themselves because no paying costomers actually came to see that movie, just them and two friends that they brought. After a few minutes I had to go thread more shows, and I came back to start their movie, then had to leave again, but after I finished starting all the other movies I came back and it was still in previews, and they were still acting like idiots, and Kilbrew noticed I was watching and continued too show off, he wasn't paying much attention though, and I proceeded toget Stephen's attention and made some finger puppets on the screen, then Kilbrew noticed and joined in. It was interesting...then the actual movie came on and I waved goodbye and both of them made motions asking me to come and sit with them, and I just shrugged and mouthed the words "I cant"...both of them made sad faces, it made me feel special. So towards the end of the night I came downstairs to take a smoke break with Matt, and then to help him do some counting. When I got to the lobby I heard Kilbrew, then I saw Kilbrew...Kilbrew was running towards me...oh my, this could not be good...kilbrew picks me up...kilbrew proceeds to carry me around for a second. Interesting to say the least. Then I proceeded to walk outside, since Stephen was leaning on the door and waving for me to come out. Talked with him (with Kilbrew standing like a foot away) for like two seconds, stepped inside to grab my drink, Kilbrew a half step behind me, Stephen still outside because he had a cigarette in his hand. So just as I am about to step outside again one of the other two guys that came with them (who happens to be quite, um, gorgeous himself) sticks his head in the door and is like "listen dude, I understand why you wanna hng out here for a while, but I told you, my brain feels like it is trying to eat it's way through my skull, can we please go?!" so I was like, "I have some Ibuprofen upstairs, if you want some..." and he is just like "oh my God, that would be awesome if i could get ahold of some..."...so I took him upstairs, still with Kilbrew like a foot behind me, and got him some medicine. Then I went downstairs and tried to hold somewhat of a conversation with Stephen, and once again, there was Kilbrew, RIGHT next to me. I even kept like taking a few steps away, and he would just move with me...but yea...it was funny, because the two friends that came with them wanted to know what I did, and I told them...ok....so...anyone that has ever seen fight club automatically thinks of the same exact thing when I tell them that I am a projectionist at the local theatre. I hear it all the time. I am so thankful to dear Brian for exposing me to that movie so that I can know what people are talking about when they say that I should do what the dude did in Fight Club... [To those of you that dont know what I am talking about, watch the movie, it is funny, trippy, quoteable (I am Jack's wasted life), and even educational "I am Jacks Medula oblongata...", it's just good, watch it]...so then we talked about that for a bit, and they all wanted to know how I could do it...it was just interesting. When they left kilbrew of course decided to give me one of those hugs where he lifts me up off the ground, and I literally just looked over his shoulder and made this sort of "help" face to stephen, who was like "dude, come on, let's go"...so I thank him for that...but yea, went upstairs and proceeded to thread...then I went home...it was a fun night...

Today I went to school, then helped memaw at her house, then went to watch a volleyball game at ND high School with Jennifer. Volleyball is the only sport I ever actually liked playing. So that was really cool. To those that are interested, I shall be at the North football game this Friday. The entire time I was in high school, I only walked into a football game once, just to see Ramiro, and I was only there for like 20 minutes. Now that I am out of High School, I am going to a football game so that I can see my friends that are still in high school. So if you know me, and you want to see me, come there, because if I dont get to see anyone I shall just cry. I detest football. So yea, football game, this Friday night, I got this...

I just thought about the fact that it is now the 8th, I know two people that were born today, in fact I think they are both 18, so happy 18th to both of you. I also know someone who was born on the ninth, and in case I forget tomorrow, Happy b-day to you too. All of you know who you are, much love to you all...

So yea, I have school tomorrow....so I'm off to bed...much love to everyone...
DeAnna

With every blade that flowers
must grow then drown
with love, our cruelest sea

2005-09-05T12:32:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Submissive
Music of the Moment: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

Alright, So today I had a day off...from work, from school, so you know what I did? I went to see a movie, and afterwards, I went upstairs and hung out with Ryan for a little bit, and ended up showing him how to rig #12 so that the flat lens would not slide to the wrong place. It just goes to show that work has consumed my life...hey, what else have I got?

Gotta, gotta be down
because I want it all

Saw a trailer for a movie that I'm quite interested in seeing, just because I know that it is going to be quite controversial. Plus it has Heath Ledger (from a knight's tale) and Jake Gyllenhall [DONNIE DARKO(!!)]. It just looks like one of those out-there movies that I like...

Wow, I dont know why, but I am really in one of those "Legend of the Fall" type moods. Most of you probrobly dont know what that means...but yea...

So in a few days I have a wedding to attend. I dont want to go to a wedding. I mean, generally everyone there is with someone else, and I am always sitting there alone...and yet somehow I managed to be the one to catch the boquet last time...and worse than that, everyone laughed when I cought it...like it was truly very funny because everyone knows that the chances of DeAnna marrying someone are very slim...it's just not a very good thing. I mean, I'm all happy and stuff while I'm there, because I refuse to be the bitter, unattractive girl at someone else's wedding, but yea.....grr...

So I'm listening to this song now, and it says "wake me up when september ends"...and I'm like, heck yea, what's so great about september? I mean, I can only think of two good things that have ever happened in september...and one of those was the fact that I got a job. And besides, the sooner October gets here the better. I mean, there are good movies coming out, I get to go to hacker house with a really foxy guy(who actually seems like he may like me), I'm considering taking up the same really foxy guy's offer to guest sing with his band(for a show in october), then there are the obvious things like the Renaissance festival/Boo & Brew (to which I have already bought tickets), and Halloween, at least three good birthdays...October is just a much better month than September. Plus I want to go to a Haloween party, a really big one, just so I can say that I have...Hopefully by then I'll have a car again so that I can atleast pretend to have a life again instead of school, work, home, repeat. Oh yea, and dont even get me started about November...Dude, November = Brian!! He who we have all missed since uncle Sam got really stupid and sent him to Afghanistan!!! of course November does hold thanksgiving, which usually sucks, and then comes December, which has the whole Christmas season, which REALLY sucks...even though Christmas last year was really great...this year will suck, I know this for a fact. Oh well...I'll just enjoy October while it is here...

Anyway, I am obviously really tired, or else I wouldn't have rambled so much. So I'm going to go away and continue writing on a couple of songs that I've started, until I can convince my brain to go to sleep...
Much Love,
Me

I was thinking of days long ago
Driving home alone
Noticed my tank was low
If I'd had one gallon more
or an ounce more courage
I might have shown up
at your door

2005-09-04T17:01:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: If I could meet Eve right now...
Music of the Moment: Papa Roach - Between Angels and Insects

Ok, so I wwent into work last night, only to discover that someone had managed to screw up 3 of the cue tapes, on 3 different movies, and the lens motor on # 12 was broken, and I had to show a sneak at 7:15, and it was a "stay and see" which meant I had to move a few HEAVY platters, and on top of that, NONE of my downstairs guys were working. Ok, so by the time the first showtime started, the cue tapes were fixed, when I started #12, I discovered a way to ghetto rig it so that the picture doesn't hang off of the bottom of the screen, plus I broke down the movie that lenard was supposed to break down, and I didn't start but one show late, and that is because it was supposed to start at 7, but the show before it didn't end until 7:05....so it was like 7 min late. And do you know what Randall said at the end of the night? He told me I did a great job. Randall NEVER compliments me, NEVER...of course Matt was just like "I knew it'd be fine, you wanna go with me to smoke?"...haha, so we went out side and hung out a bit, Jeremy came with us and we were talking about how close Matt's wedding is...hehe, can't wait...3 of my former manager's have gotten married before (two of them to each other), but I have never been invited to it, so it made me happy. Haha, it is kinda funny, because it took him like 3 bloody weeks of carrying that ring around before he finally proposed...good times. Hmmmm, I need to find a good dress to wear....oh well...

So I think that at work tonight I am just going to chill, hang out, slack off, and HOPEFULLY, get to chat with at least one of me boys(yea, I really dont get along with many of the girls there, I hang out with the guys, that is just one more indication that I shall never get married, hehe)...but yea...

Oh, and I find it very amusing that the High School is still the same melodramatic place it was when I left, in the past couple of days I have listened to I know at least 5 cases of how someone has done something to someone else, and as much as I miss my friends, I am kinda glad I get to HEAR about these things, and give objective advise, as opposed to being involved.

Ok, so I am faced with the decision of being off tomorrow, or volunteering to work tomorrow night downstairs...hmmm.....decisions...bills must be paid.....but is electricity really worth putting on that bloody veast and bow tie and dealing with the massive crowd composed of mostly idiots formally referred to as customers??

oh well, I am gonna stop blogging now, I cant really seem to put a coherent sentence together, because I am sort of in a yelling match with my Dad, and I refuse to lose, so until next time...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Think
about
the kids...
Think
about
the kids...

2005-09-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I just threw up...but I'm not nauseated anymore...
Music of the Moment: Deathcab for Cutie - Title and Registration

Ok, so the jerk that just sort of ruined my last post happens to have used the name Jack, which means that I do not have the heart to erase it...grr...but yea...eeeww....more sick feelings in stomach...*whimper*...yea, it sucks....and I have to work today. I dont know, maybe I'll feel better after seeing all the boys. Hehe, I haven't seen any of them since last weekend. Oh my, I just remembered that Matt should be there tonight, which means that I get to play more of that stupid-yet-addicting game...yes, DeAnna is actually looking forward to playing a video game, believe it or not. It started by watching Matt play, and evolved from there...haha...

Ohhh, thinking of video games, I still need to go by gamestop...

Ok, that whole not being nauseated thing is wearing off...*whimper*...no me gusta...I dont have anything left to throw up...grr...

Hmmm......I dont think that I still actually have the urge to blog, I think I'd actually rather go curl up into like a 2 square foot area on the couch and pray for the bad feelings in my stomach to go away...If you come to the lovely Wynn....give me a shout (or rather, tell the people at door or box to, hehe) since I'll prob. be bored, depending on the time...but yea....couch...warmth....bye bye
Much Love,
DeAnna

as she bows her head in shame
her tears wash his taste from her lips
and hopeless romanticism
goes down in flames
She shouts to herself
"Bring on my next empty relationship..."

2005-09-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

Bottom line is,
even if you see them coming,
you're not ready for the big moments.
No one asks for their life to change,
not really. But it does.
So what are we?
Helpless? Puppets?
No.
The big moments are gonna come.
You can't help that.
It's what you do afterwards that counts.
That's when you find out who you are.....

....You'll see what I mean....

2005-09-02T16:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I was in psych. class today, but I wasn't paying attention, I was writing a letter/trying out my new pens...I mean, we were studying the brain....and it is the same brain that I have studied in like 6 other classes...so yea....I wasn't paying attention, and then I heard the teacher ask "Can anybody tell me what the medula oblongata does?"....I smiled, raised my hand, and said "It regulates heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing."...Yea....I was right....I knew I would be...it was lovely...it was a triumph for me because it just goes to show that watching movies can in fact make you smarter....hehe.....

"I am Jack's medula oblongata. I control Jack's heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing"_ Narrator, Fight Club

Haha, oh well, Jennifer called, so I'm gonna go talk now...
Much Love,
DeAnna

I am jacks inflamed sense of rejection

2005-08-31T12:22:00.000-04:00

I get paid today!!!! Woo Hoo.....unfortunately all of it is pretty much already spent....but still....I'll have like a 30 dollars that aren't going to go to pay something off, so I'm gonna use about 20 of them to buy a b-day gift....YaY! That'll leave me with ten dollars....that should last me two weeks...after everything else is paid.....hmmm.....oh well....I GET PAID TODAL!!!!! haha....

oh look, it is 12:18 on a school day!! PANIC!!! Haha, not really, I have time to kill before I have to be at school...mwahaha....I heart college. Oh, and speaking of college...to all of my junior friends...if you dont know what college you are going to, you should come to Harvard by the highway with ME!!! Because I'm sick of having to make friends...the only person that I knew in any of my classes was Katie, and I only see her every other day...I want people I know...hehe...

ok, done typing, just figured I'd say something since I'm gonna end up being at work until like midnight thirty tonight....so yea....much love...
DeAnna

Bring on
the next
Empty relationship...

2005-08-31T01:35:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I have a lot to do tomorrow
Music of the Moment: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved (Jennifer's song!)

Ok, School today....boring.....came home, bought my tickets (see previous post)...did some school stuff, talked to some people online, and actually finally started on my bloody letter. Then I went contra dancing, being as it is Tuesday, then HOPin' afterwards...always fun...probrobly because Brad's skirt is just so rad...haha...Carrie flipped over my necklace as usual, and thanks to my shirt I found out that one of the contra regulars plays bagpipes...which I didn't know, but I wasn't surprised. Of course the dude asked me where I got my shirt and such...but I just sort of kept that brief...haha...

hmmm....note to self....remember to stop by game stop next week...must ask favor of Will...

Have you ever thought about someone, like someone you haven't seen in a while...and missed them....and thought "maybe they miss me too"...but then think about it again and you realize that you know that they dont? I dont know if that made any sense, it is a wierd concept...and I am tired...and I am beginning to ramble, so stop I shall....until next time...
Much Love,
DeAnna

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away
would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep me right here waiting?

2005-08-30T19:06:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Hehe, I am 18...
Music of the Moment: Randy Travis - 3 wooden crosses

Ahhh...the spoils of being 18...mwahaha....I have already gotten tickets....

oh, speaking of being 18...I was buying cigarettes today...and I got carded...the funny thing is, I think it is the first time I've ever been carded.....wierd...

anyway, I gotta go see if I can find a ride to contra. If anyone old enough wants to accompany me, just call me at my house or at work...If I am not at either place, then they can tell you when I'll be there next. anywho, until later...
DeAnna

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park
to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride,
around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl
but she's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero...

2005-08-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: What?! a day off?!? does not compute...
Music of the Moment: Sarah M. & Bare Naked Ladies - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

My homework is done for a month, and I am no longer a part time trainee in projection. I am no longer a downstairs worker, but I am a full time projectionist. There is a booth meeting soon, and basically that is when we all state the days we want to work......and there is sort of an hierarchy as far as who gets to choose their days first. out of like 9 people, I come second...Scott is first, since he is head projectionist. He gets to choose his 5 days, then I get to choose 4 for myself, then others fight over the rest. No joke, it is so cool...he is leaving in like a week and a half, and while he is gone I am the head night projectionist. Lenard will be working days, but will need managerial supervision. Lenard and I started at the same time, but he is still in training, and will be until Scott leaves....because he cannot yet work on his own. I am pretty much going into like my third shift alone this wednesday though, which makes me happy...

Ok, so on to more important things....ok, so every time I start up a conversation with the guy I like (who happens to be a co-worker) then his very good friend (also a co-worker) comes up and joins in. So he did this last night and after a few minutes the guy I like (We'll just call him S) walked away. Me and his friend (who we'll call K) kept talking for a few minutes....I mean, his friend is cool and all to hang out with...but not like that. So yea, basically K ends up saying the classic overused line "You look hot...like...both definitions of the word..." oh wow...I was surprised...but yea, I was just like, "uhhh, thanks". A little while later S came up and talked some more, so I was happy...but then they had to go and actually work and I had to go...um...play "Death Jr." on PSP... so later on I was talking to another downstairs worker(who shall be called D) and the conversation went something like this:

Me: So, does K tell like every girl he sees that they are hott, or what?
D: OH! You mean he actually told you!!!
Me: yea, why?
D: he said he was going to, he really likes you, I mean it is annoying, because he always mentions when he saw you through the port-glass and sh-t like that...
Me: oh, really? well...that's good to know I guess...even though I don't like him like that...but I'm flattered....
D: Wyrd...you want mee to tell him that for you?
Me: Nah, I'll handle it...

(Later on that night, S asked me if I wanted to join him for his smoke break, I was like "SURE!!" only much less obvious. So we talk for a bit. After several "Dude! Me Too!" and "Yea, I get that" moments we somehow got around to saying something about K...and the conversation goes along these lines...)
Me: I dont really see very much that is the same between the two of you..
S: Nah, we are really different, but we do have some things in common
Me: Yea, like when you both ask me the same question and creep me out?
S: Haha, yea, that's one. We are both slackers too. And for dsome reason we always seem to like the same girls too.
Me: Oh really? That could be a problem...
S: Not really, usually I just sort of end up hanging back, and he makes a move
Me: Well that isn't very smart of you
S: Yea, but I'm not gonna compete with one of my best friends over a girl
Me: Who knows, she may like you more than him and just not say anything because she is scared to
S: well if that is the case then she would turn him down when he makes his move...and then I might start talking to her...(throws down cigarette, opens door and holds it for me to wal through)
Me: Well that makes sense I guess...
S: I thought so...
Me: you know you really should quit smoking...
S: OH give me a break I'm trying.....

Hehehe...that makes me happy....it really does...like it made me silly-girly-happy there for a little bit, but then I calmed down, once I found out that the PSP was leaving for the night...then the boredom set in....haha...I heart work...

But yea, I have to go to school tomorrow, so I go now the the realm of sleep...I may not post for a while, I have contra tomorrow, then the next day I have work, then the next day I get off work a little early, but I'm using that time to buy a b-day gift for my friend, then friday and saturday and sunday I work everyday...so yea, just like usual, if anyone wants to come at either like eight or ten-ish and keep me company, feel free....but yea, until later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets
what I lost
wake me up
when september ends

2005-08-26T17:31:00.000-04:00

Work and school have consumed my life...I'll be back in four years....

~DeAnna~

Oh, and by the way, if you go to see the Brothers Grimm, wait until I can get you in, I wouldn't pay 7.50 to see it....it was pretty decent though...

2005-08-25T16:56:00.000-04:00

I got one more spam...no more anonymous comments...I'm off to work now...I doubt that I will be on afterwards simply bacause I will prob. be at work until like 2am, so yea...much love, more tomorrow...
DeAnna

oh yea, and to(in random order) Jennifer, Shelly, Crystal, Brian, Amy, Josh, Jessie, Noelle, Jason, and any other High School student...I hope you had a good first day...

2005-08-25T01:03:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: one more spam....just one more...comments will be locked...
Music of the Moment: Beck - Loser

ok, so I am contemplating driving by the high school at like 3 tomorrow so that I can look at all of the sad, pitiful little....I mean...the awesome people that are going to the high school!! Haha! Oh well. If it makes any of you high school inmates feel any better, tomorrow is my early day...I have to be at school at 9:30, fortunately I only have to do that 2 days a week, the other three I have to be there at 1pm...so yea...oh, and my break is like an hour, and I can go to subway...mwahaha...I enjoy college.

Anywho, I was talking online tonight when I realized that I have become one of those one syllable response people. I mean, at least most of the time...poor Crystal probrobly wishes that I had a mute button at times. I've told her that she can just say "Deanna...shut up"...and I would....but she never has...so I keep talking...ah well...

I really enjoy having Katie in me psy. class...it makes it much more entertaining, simply because we are both people that comment on what is said by the teacher. I think that my sociology teacher is gonna be a lot like Pk, which is cool...hmmm...speaking of Pk...I must contact him...

Anywho, really I didn't do much today...except for go to school...but if anyone would like to come and see me at work, come around like 8 sometime in the next few days, I'll be upstairs, you just gotta ask the door people or the box people...and I get really bored between like 8 and nine, so that is why I advertise for people to come and see me. Like really, it makes my day. Stephan came up and hung out for a bit the other day, and I was all happy, it was funny...but yea...

I am off to bed now, simply because I have to get up early tomorrow to get the kids ready for school...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Dont let me die
before i go to sleep
And i cant keep going
But i cant start again

2005-08-24T02:14:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Of course I feel great, I just came from contra...
Music of the Moment: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

Ok, my school gave away packages of samples today for free...it had several samples...lotions, shampoos, etc...but the main thing that caught my attention as I was looking through the package (in my RELIGION class) was the obviously labeled condom that managed to slip out of my hand, onto the floor, and under the person's chair in front of me. yea, that is lovely...welcome to college...I kept it, even though I have no use for it. I'm just odd like that.

But yea, I went Contra-dancing and HOPin' tonight...mucho fun, as always. We had a lot of odd dances...so Andrew and I figured we could break a rule or two and nobody would notice. We danced for like three dances, then we waltzed during the break. After that there was a swing sance, but Ron wasn't there and I didn't feel like finding someone else to swing with. So it kind of sucked, because he literally showed up like 30 seconds after it was over. But yea...there were a lot of squares tonight, but oh well...then HOPin' was fun as usual...I just had some hot cocoa, I wasn't hungry, so yea...afterwards Ron brought me home....and like 70% of the way there we realized that he so did not have ANY lights on whatsoever....but neither of us had noticed until there was a big gap in the street lights...it was amusing...but yea, came home and talked to Emily, Crystal, Nick, and Jordan....and now I am here...and now I am tired....
Much Love,
DeAnna

Somebody told me
that you had a boyfriend
that looked like a girlfriend
that I had in february of last year...

2005-08-23T19:06:00.000-04:00

ok, so I literally just picked up the phone...after trying to get up the courage for the last hour...and I dialed a number...I let it ring once...freaked...and hung up...haha...I'm so wierd...but yea, the reason I decided to write about it is because I realized that I called at exactly 7:03...hehe...to those of you deathcab fans....you'll understand...it makes it even funnier if you know who I was about to call...haha...so amusing....ah well...I'm off to prepare for dancing...
Much Love,
DeAnna

All the boys in every girlie magazine
cant make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
to call at 7:03
and on your machine I slur a plea
for you to come home
but I know it's too late
I should have
given you a reason to stay

2005-08-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: still confused, but too tired/busy to worry about it...
Music of the Moment: REM - It's the end of the world as we know it (that is all Matt's bloody fault)

Ok, today I went to the Doctor with my Paw-Paw(I have to go back on Friday at 11 so that they can teach me how to give him injections, he has to go on insulin, and he shakes too much to do it himself), then I went to food lion with my family, on the way I passed the school and saw a few people that were there to get their pics taken...some I hadn't seen in a while...but none of them saw me mwahaha! hehe... then I came home and got ready for school...then I went to school...then I came home and hung out for a while...then I got a call from work saying "please come"...so I went...that is where it got interesting...

I worked on concessions with Candace, *sadness* Dustin was on door *sadness*...but we really weren't that busy, so I didn't really stay behind concessions. I hated being downstairs in general...dang vest and bowtie...so stupid. Anyway, something very odd happened tonight...actually several odd things. ok, first, there was this football player type that was really nice when he came through the line...and he asked when I was getting off work...which I'm used to, a lot of people ask that...and I told him when, he seemed disappointed, so when I told him to enjoy the show he said he would enjoy it a lot more if I could watch it with him...I was proud....because apparent;y it is really cool to have a football player type hit on you or whatever, even though I have no use for those types...but yea, that is only the beginning...

There really aren't very many of you that will understand why this was really strange for me...but yea...When I was working tonight Sean(a co-worker) came in, he had with him a very...um....physically attractive friend whose name I unfortunately dont know...he then proceedes to come over there and him and his oh so lovely friend talk to me for a bit, then he walks away for a bit and it is just me and the friend...after a moment I found myself wondering why he hung out with sean, because they are nothing alike, and this dude actually seems pretty cool....but anyway after a little while sean comes back, after making a phone call, and he says he has a surprise for me, but he cant tell me what, and I will know within the next 15 minutes. I figure he is just being wierd. Dustin walks over and starts talking for a second...then stephen walks in, and walks over...(hmm...to those of you that know the back ground, are you understanding the wierdness...if so...dont worry...it gets better...)so yea, Dustin walks away after a minute so he can go work, but I still have nothing to do, so I am sitting there talking to Sean, Sean's friend, and stephen...then out of nowhere, sean gets me to trade him some change for a couple of dollars, and as he goes off to play the games he looks at me and goes "Guess who's back..." I didn't get it, until I looked and realized that walking towanrd me was bloody Alex! What the crap!? so yea, the next few minutes really surpassed awkward...I mean....really...but the funny thing was, that all of the awkwardness was for me, it wasn't wierd for anyone else...grr,...it was so aggrivating...I wanted to kill sean... although...I dont guess that it was too bad being surrounded by such "aestetically pleasing" gentlemen...haha...oh well...it was over in just a few short minutes...but it left an impression...

Anywho, afterwards I went upstairs to take my drawer up as usual, and me and Dustin listened to some things on Matt's playlist while we played solitaire and listened to Bart tell about her nifty new software...Dustin got aggrivated with the solitaire game...it was funny...and the REM song came on and me and Matt sang along, as Dustin looked on amazed and Bart shook her head as if to say "you guys are SOOO wierd..." hehe, isn't life beautiful. Then I got a phone call from downstairs saying that my ride was there, so I gave everyone a hug and said goodbye (yea, that's right, I hug my manager, because he is that cool)and came home and now I am here...the end...I am tired now, and therefore I am going to bed...until later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

A tournament,
a tournament,
a tournament of lies.
Offer me solutions,
offer me alternatives
and I decline

2005-08-22T01:14:00.000-04:00

I'm freaking confused for so many different reasons....why did I come back...why did I start caring again...grr...more some other time...maybe.....provided that I can get My DAD TO STOP READING MY BLOODY BLOG!!!!!!
Much love,
DeAnna

"Rub the Magic fuzz"_ Dustin...that statement was promptly followed by a demented sounding laugh...hehe...that's my Dustin...

2005-08-21T01:42:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm bloody tired, but I cannot go to bed yet because I refuse to go to bed before my sister, because if I am asleep when she goes in there, she will wake me up, and i shall not be able to sleep again. I am dead tired though...and it is because of that that I am brave enough to do/say a couple of things...like the fact that I kinda feel bad, because I think I am beginning to like someone that is not only NOT the guy that I am seeing...but he is in fact one of his good friends...tell me that isn't bad. I am also brave enough to make a couple of changes in the link section that one might have to be rather astute to notice...mwahaha...that one may not last long, being as I may get smarter by tomorrow and change it back after I am rested, but until then, I'm going to go see if I can convince my sister to go to bed...
Much Love,
Me

"Ron Burgandy is doown and he is out!"_ Quote that Scott repeated a billion times tonight...*smiles*

2005-08-20T17:01:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Deliciously Fatigued
Music of the Moment: Muse - Stockholm Syndrome

Ok, so work last night was very interesting. I was aggrivated when I first went in and asked where Dustin was, only to discover that he had traded with someone last minute, and wouldn't be there that night. Grr...but all was well because he called Scott's cell phone later and explained why he wasn't there even though he had PROMISED me that he would be. So yea, he is gonna work today, but he said he is gonna look for someone to give up their night shift so that he can work with me since we wont have a chance to work together for a few days. But yea, I was really busy last night actually, so it wouldn't have mattered much if he had been there, unless he came upstairs to see me. Haha, apparently someone came to see me though...I just have no clue as to who. Yea, I came downstairs to wash my hands because I had black stuff all over them from the movie I had started breaking down, and I got some H2O in my cup and I was headed upstairs to thread the seven o'clocks...and one of the nameless new girls was like "hey DeAnna! You're here!" and I was like "Yea, it's like magic, I just walked through the door and all of a sudden I was here!" and she was like "come here"...so I went over and she was like"Yea, some guy came in here just a couple of minutes ago and asked if you were here, because he hadn't seen you in a while and wanted to see you...but I dont know where he went..." and she went on to try to describe him to me...yea, that didn't help...so I have no real clue who it was...although I do find it interesting that someone wanted to see me enough to specifically ask for me, that doesn't happen much. Haha, it was probrobly just massive cheap dude that was looking for cheap tickets...apparently he had a girlfriend, so whatever...I can think of two people that fit that description that I would actually care about actually seeing...one has moved away, the other one would not be asking for me...so whatever...

But yea, I threaded the entire 7:00 show last night, alone, and I started 3...which may mean nothing to most of you, but it is pretty darn good. I kinda tripped up on the nine oclocks though...but he said that was ok. I mean, I broke down a movie too, so I think I did ok. But yea...it is sad that I really dont have anything to talk about besides work...but i really dont have anything else...except school...and there is nothing to talk about there...I mean...it isn't like I do much else except sit around here, or go to see Kody, or play jeopardy with the kids, or watch movies at home....that's about it...I lead an incredibly boring life...which may explain why nobody really wants to be a part of it...

I do have contra dancing though...haha, it was so funny...in our little intro. in psych. class when Katie read my lovely little card and she was like "DeAnna likes um...contra...dancing....whatever that is..." hehe...interesting it is....mwahaha...but alas...I must go prepare to work now...haha, fun fun...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Inside my heart is breaking.
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on...
The show must go on...

2005-08-19T15:50:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Welcome to Life DeAnna...
Music of the Moment: Muse - The small print

ok, so I realize that I have not updated in an exceptionally long time for me. I appologize, my internet has been down. Though even if it hadn't been, I have been quite busy anyway...I have kind of been on the run, between taking care of kids, working like a mad woman, writing, starting school, running errands, it has just been crazy.... Not much truly important stuff I guess...I mean, I got my promotion, I am not only a projectionist, but I am training to be the main night time projectionist...which is a beautiful thing for me. I started school, today as a matter of fact. it is muy cool b/c KATIE is in my psy. class. Woo hoo! (I speak of katie jewell by the way...) but yea...mostly just everyday stuff has happened, every day, since i have last written on this thing. I got my liscence back, well, renewed, or whatever...and I have unofficially taken on Dustin's car as my own...mwahaha...his car=mucho fun to drive. Hehe, I am random, I know this, it is just that random things are coming to my head from like the last couple of week so I am just mentioning them. I have been contra dancing of course...I finally got the oppurtunity/nerve to talk to the really cute guy there...so nice, funny, smart...gay. Of course...such is the bread of an everyday life. Oh yea, I am also most of the way done reading the LotR trilogy again...then I have two books that i have to read for school that I am going to get out of the way, then I have decided to read the rest of the Harry Potter books, just because I am intrigued...I can do it...I wont fall asleep this time...apparently after the second book it gets better, and after the third it gets really cool...so...I can do this..(It took me forever to finish the first one and I got halfway through the second because I kept getting distracted/bored...)

I made more on my last paycheck then one of my managers...just so you know what mean by working like a mad woman.

Just for people to know...I dont mean to seem mean or anything...but if one more person tells me that they saw any specific person on the tv the other day, I'm gonna just puke....I know who was on tv the other day, I got 2 phone calls that day and like 6 people have told me since...It isn't that I don't know...it's that I dont care...geez....whoa....speaking of which...look at the time, it seems that I am off now...I have to do things...maybe more later...If you come to the theatre tonight, I'll be upstairs, mwahaha...

Much Love,
DeAnna

and all her friends tell her
she's so pretty
but she'd be a whole lot prettier
if she smiled once in a while
`cause even her smile
looks like a frown
she's seen her share of devils
in this angel town

2005-08-05T01:42:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: my eyes feel like they're gonna bleed...
Music of the Moment: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I went to the doctor today...I never look nice to see the doctor. I dont see much point, I mean, he saw me before, during, and after surgery. You know, that time when I was drugged and drooling and talking about how purple bunnies were hopping on the ceiling, and puking up food that wasn't there because I had not eaten since the day before....I figure if he saw all this....he doesn't care if my hair is a little messy or if I wear my bum jeans for my LAST (FINAL) check up...Ufortunately, he chose that today he was going to use me as a model for the type of surgery that I had. Hmm...this would be ok, except for the fact that I had on one of those shirt things that they provide (aka, hardly anything)...and the people that I was modeling for was a football player and his family from virginia. Once again, this wouldn't have been that bad, except for the fact that it was not a normal bulky stupid football player, he was a rather cute football player that spoke with some semblance of intellegence as the doctor wrenched my arm about in various positions...then they asked me questions and his father(?) mentioned that I looked familiar...like he had seen me somewhere...and his mom said that she thought it might be that one actress, but she couldn't remember her name...(by this point I know my face was red)...but I simply said I didn't know who she was talking about, and then the doctor let me go change...geez...why me...so embarassing...but the kid was really quite cute...

Anywho, after that I went to IHOP to get some Whipped Cream with a pancake hidden somewhere underneath, and then to school to do some things...then to Belks to get my brother's glasses fixed and look at some possible new ones for me, then came home and really didn't do anything but chill out w/Kody.

Later tonight I talked to dear Jennifer on the phone, then came here, and now I am about to go watch a lovely movie...until later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Do you ever feel like crying?

Do you ever feel like giving up?

I raise my hands up towards the sky,

I say this prayer for you tonight,

Because nothing is impossible.

As I sit here all alone,

I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.

I'll never be the same without you,

I love you more then you will ever know.

So maybe now you finally know.

Sometimes we're helpless and alone,

But you can let it keep you weighted down.

You must go on.

2005-08-04T03:09:00.000-04:00

Do What You Have To Do
What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how
To let you go
I don’t know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

I have listened to that song like 5 times...but I just remembered I have to go to the doctor at 8 in the morning...joy...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,

and sit alone and wonder

how you're making out.

But as for me I wish that I was anywhere...

With anyone...

making out...

2005-08-03T03:27:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Tired, but feeling better than earlier
Music of the Moment: Three Doors Down - Let me go

OK, so my dad and I "discussed" things all the way to where I met up with my friends...at which point his manarism completely changed to being nice, sweet Mr. Kelly...arg...

I was quite excited to learn that we have a newcomer, however. We had one of the Condons (justin) to join us tonight....and he seemed to enjoy it. He said he was coming back, and that he wanted to invite people. WE promptly told him the rule, of course...(rule: you must bring at least one guy for every girl you invite, that is just the way it is, and it shall remain that way)...

I also found it very nice (dare I say flattering) that I had to work to get a break from dancing tonight. You see, generally, there are at least a few dances where I have to sit out because there are a ton more girls than guys. Nearly every other time I have refused to stand near Emily simply because if a dude looks at me and Emily, he shall choose to ask Emily to dance. Even if I am not standing with Emily, there are still lots of times that I will not be asked...and it kind of saddens me...But tonight was different. I got asked to dance on every single contra dance, on one I even declined because I needed to sit one out (I sporadically have asthma troubles, and I had a bit of trouble tonight, but nothing too bad...) But yea, it was really funny, because I would be in mid-sentence talking to someone and a dude would ask me to dance...it was so cool! I felt special. Scott was there tonight (scott is my older, possibly gay contra-mentor/friend) and he came in late, but I saw him while I was in the middle of a dance, and he gave my the "we're gonna waltz" look...haha, it is nifty. While we were waltzing he said that he had a partner for the next dance already, but he would try to catch me sometime before the night is over. Unfortunately he did not have the chance, because other people kept getting to me first...haha, next time...but yea, after i got done dancing with him, I barely made it back to the edge of the dance floor to talk to Justin and Ron before some other dude asked me to dance...and after that yet another one asked, but I needed a break....so I went over to rub my success in Emily's face!! Mwahaha!!!! I mean....I LOVE YOU EMILY!!!! YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!..haha...

Of course, after the dances were over, all of the contra people go to IHOP for some conversing about...um...everything...haha...mucho fun...then we took Justin back to his car (which had miraculously moved...) and came home...I am quite happy with the knowledge that I have two people who I have promised a dance to next time I go...ahh yes...Emily...I am awesome....haha, just kidding, the dudes are just really nice like that...hehe...but yea, i came home and watched the last half of Phantom of the Opera, and then came in here...so yea, I am done now....until I return...
Much Love,
DeAnna

You make me hate what I see
When I see me
Yeah I dream of the day
When I learn to make you pay
Someday I’ll teach you to beg
Someday, someday
Yes I live for the day
When I can hear you say
"You make me feel like a whore"
Yes I dream of the time
When I can make you mine...

2005-08-02T19:17:00.000-04:00

My dad and I are argueing...right now....oh....he just threw some things....oh, now he is saying that I live just to piss him off/disappoint him....oh this is lovely....oh yea, now I live to make him feel like a screw up....wow...this is amazing....I wish I had the money to move out...

anyway...*dodges flying object*....I am going contra dancing tonight....hopefully it shall cheer me up some more...I have been with Kody since 2, so that helped...before that I went woth my G-ma to get her hair done...I was very relieved that she decided not to tell the lady all about my personal business...because right now I am just tired of people being in my personal business....but yea...I was kinda depressed a few minutes ago when I read a friends AIM profile and there was just a massive reminder of how un-important I am...but oh well....as if my dad was not enough...speaking of my dad...he has started again...I must go now...I'll prob. be back on later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

I'm sorry
I can't be
perfect...

2005-08-02T01:18:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Tired yet foolishly excited...
Music of the Moment: Sarah M. - Angel

Ok, so work today was interesting. The trusty computers were once again not so trusty...so everything had to be done by hand, but it really didn't affect me much becaust I was on door. I worked with some pretty cool people, and it was a week night so i spent most of my time talking to Dustin and Bart or Steve. Swan was managing, I felt bad for him because it is really tough on managers when the computers go down. (by the way, woot for Swan, who is finally marrying Lynn on the 10th of September...) But yea, Judy was also there for a while, and as she left I got to talk to her and I found out that I have like a 50/50 shot for the projectionist opening!!!! AHHHH!!! SO HAPPY!!!! *calms down*....ok....I'm ok....besides, I doubt that I will get it anyway, because Randall hates me...le sigh...
Anyway, I saw several people tonight, for example, I saw Jon, who walked up from behind me an hugged me...he said it was a birthday present from him since he didn't know what to get me...and we got to talk for a bit, and his dad was there (his dad adores me....I think I just sort of have that effect on parents....especially dads) it was somewhat interesting. I also got to see tyler, which was entertaining....because I think the only reason that that kid talks to me is so that he can get popcorn....and I am pretty positive that the reason he wanted popcorn is because he had the munchies like all....haha....so amusing...

I had the pleasure of doing a theatre check in "The Island" tonight....I happened to walk in on a part that reminds me of Brian B....haha, it is entertaining. I was supposed to do a theatre check in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", but i made Dustin do it...because last time I did a theatre check in that movie I got stopped by someone who insisted that I resemble a certain actress...and I didn't want that to happen again...not that it helped any though, because I still ended up cleaning that theatre and i still had two different people say it...grr...blind people are...

I rode to work with my grandmother today, and she has this uncanny ability to pick out the one thing that I really do not want to think about at the moment and talk about it the entire time. Today the subject was recent events including my father among other things...she spent part of the time telling me how sorry she was for me, and part of it telling me how wrong my father has been, and part of it trying to give me advice, part of it trying to give me hope...she fils to realize that there is no hope...my father won...again...just like always...and I just dont want to think about it...I appologize as most of those reading this will not understand what the crap I am talking about...but yea....I just needed to rant a bit...

But yea, I really did nothing today but work and think...mostly think, actually, so yea...I am going to end this post now, before it takes a sad turn....
Much Love,
DeAnna

There's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end
of the day...

2005-08-01T03:40:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Frustrated with this God-forsaken hunk of plastic known as a computer...
Music of the Moment: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

I just typed a rather nice post to put on here, and I was in the last paragraph as well as being in the middle of a conversation with one of my friends when my blasted computer decided that it was time for it to reboot...blasted piece of bloody machinery...grr...oh well...such is life...my life at least...

Anyway, for lack of wanting to type everything again, I shall give you the shortened version:

-Work was cool today, I messed with the newbies heads, letting them think that I was new, and that they were all cool, then bursting their bubble....it isn't mean...I am helping them be humble....not prideful...builds character...

-There are whispers running about the theatre that they need another projectionist to start training for the coming school year, since one is going off to school...I have also had two managers say that I would be a good choice...*angelic music comes from above...then a record scratchy sound...*unfortunately, neither of the two managers that said that is the one that decides who gets the job...THE JOB...the job of jobs....the proverbial paradise of the theatre...le sigh....the one who decided doesn't like me, and therefore I doubt I shall get it...

-On the more up side of work...I got to work with Jeffs for two hours, and DUSTIN for three hours...which was mucho fun

-Ok, so after work I saw the late show of "The Island"...alone...but yea, the movie was really nice...and I got to hear Ewan Mcgregor speak in his true accent for a while...which makes me happy, because he has one of the nifty-est accents in hollywood (it is scottish, by the way)...see, a lot of people think that he uses his real accent when you see him in the movies, but that is not true... I know this, because I watch interviews...haha...

-please note that I saw the movie alone...which I think is just the way that I was meant to do things...'tis practice for nunhood...

-after the movie I came home and argued with my dad for a while, then got on the computer...and now I am here...and I am done...
Much Love,
DeAnna

And all the boys in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03
and on your machine
I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason
to stay...

2005-07-31T12:44:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: everything is a copy of a copy of a copy...
Music of the Moment: Still got the sad medley in...

So yea, last night I definately crashed at Jennifer's. I would say that I slept at Jennifer's house, but it would be a lie. I didn't sleep last night. Period. zip, zilch, nada. The odd thing was that it really didn't seem to affect me that much until like 8 something. I consider that to be pretty good considering that I only slept for about an hour the night before last. But yea, i took a LONG nap this afternoon, so I am good...well...better...

My family got chinese food tonight, I didn't eat anything because my stomach has been upset, and I was hungry, I just couldn't eat...but....I got a fortune cookie. It says "no problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking"...I find it amusing, because I am a pro. at thinking about something to the point that I make myself sick...hmmm....as a matter of fact...that is part of the reason I didn't eat some chinese, but oh well...I ate a sandwich later...

Ok, so I have a song stuck in my head, it is from a movie that I watched recently, but it makes me sad, so I want it to go away...grr....
"Baby, sleep,
gently sleep,
life is long is long
and love is deep.
Time will be
sweet for thee.
All the world to see.
Time to look
about and know,
how the shadows
come and go.
How the breeze
stirs the trees,
how the blossoms grow..."

I start back to work tomorrow. I was excited, but now I know that it is prob. gonna be really bad simply because I know my mind will not be on work...grr..Anyway, yea, work, 3-8 tomorrow if anyone wants to come see me...but for now I am going to go, because i dont feel like typing anymore...
Much Love,
DeAnna

It's plain to see it's trying to speak
cherished dreams forever asleep
hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
hopelessly, I'll give you everything
but I won't give you up
I won't let you down
and I won't leave you falling
if the moment ever comes
hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
hopelessly, I'll give you everything
but I won't give you up
I won't let you down
and I won't leave you falling
but the moment never comes

2005-07-29T18:41:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Why was I born in this family?
Music of the Moment: Sad song medley I composed for myself around valentines day this year

in the past couple of days, I have had two of my BEST friends parents declare that I cannot see their child. I have just managed to get one to recant for a while, so I am about to abscond to her house simlpy because if I stay here any more then I'm going to break down. God....I am like nauseated. My head hurts.....just....bad day....horrible day....day that I wont forget for a while...
Much Love,
~me~

The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear...
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low...

2005-07-27T14:49:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: kinda bored I guess...
Music of the Moment: evanescence-tournequet

I was rummaging through my old cds and discovered the one I am currently listening to. I dont think I have put it in since I bought the Muse CD a crap long time ago, but I think that my Muse CD got stolen because I left it in my car and now it is not there, and being as my car has no back window, it'd be pretty easy to take. I dont understand why though, I mean, I dont think I know anyone that has ever really heard of Muse ecxept for the friend that I first heard it from and the person that she heard it from, and she only knows the one song that she has on a burnt cd as far as I know....grrr....sorry, I miss that cd, I really do, it was my favourite...but i have not the money to get a new one. Ah well, such is the bread of a BROKE life...haha...

On this CD, however, is in fact one of my songs which I dub as my theme songs...it is called imaginary, and it sort of describes my thought patterns at times, so yea, that is cool...

So yea, the only real reason that I am posting this is sheerly out of boredom...and I know I'll most likely post later anyway, so I'm headed off for now...
Much Love,
~me~

I lie awake and try so hard
not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream,
and dream I do...
I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you
To live, to breathe,
you're taking over me...

2005-07-27T03:00:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: I dont know, it is actually a combonation of many things....none of them are good(at this time) though...I guess this would be called being bleh...
Music of the Moment: Sarah M.- Angel

Ok, let's see, should I put my complaints or my happy things first...Well, I guess I shall just start off saying what I have done since my last post: Until this afternoon...I really have done NOTHING...of importance, that is. I mean I have Talked online and talked on the phone and gone to see my Paw-Paw and my Kody...but other than that stuff it has been like "gee, what can I do to not be bored???" But yea, today was pretty cool because I got to talk to dear crystal online, and then I got to watch one of my favorite movies....even though it is probrobly the saddest movie that I own, then my cousins came over (um, that one goes into the "complaints" category), then I went down to help my paw-paw with his dog and to get him some coffee, then I came home just in time for Kody to come and visit for just a little while. It made me happy b/c he never gets to come here. But it wasn't long before he had to go back to Maw-Maws...and so I rode with him until we got to Paw-Paws house so that I could drop off some cigarettes for him, then I ran home in time to immediately get ready to leave to go hang out with CRYSTAL(!) and Brian...we watched the Village and played DDR then went swimming in the quite toasty pool. Mucho fun...unfortunately I came home a mite late (ie like 12:45ish...) and my dad flipped out....grr....like right now he is sitting a few feet away going on about it....grr....but oh well, I shall survive.

Ok, so, on a good note...I got pretty much finished with working on a template for mine and jennifer's blog, it is currently on display at Me Test Blog in my links section. I'd actually greatly appreciate feedback being as I never even wanted to think about anything HTML related until a couple of short days ago. I could add links and change some colors and stuff, but as far as actually creating the page I had no Idea where to start....I still am not very good I dont believe...but I try...

Ok, so just a few bad notes: My ankle hurts again(because I played DDR and then in the pool I accidentally kicked someone at just the right angle to twist my foot the wrong way), my head hurts(partially b/c I tink too much, partially b/c I really dont know what time of morning my dad is going to stop talking...), my shoulder hurts because I went swimming, I refuse to take any sort of medication for these, because I can still function therefore there is no need. Let's see...Brennan is NOT here...I have been waiting on him to get here for like 3 months now, but I recently found out that he wasn't coming b/c of money. At like 8.5 tonight I realized thattoday was not monday(because I was thinking that it was) and was in fact tuesday, which is in fact contra night. I also remembered that I had told the excessively nice looking college aged gentleman that I was going to be there this week....I promised....yea, so that sucks. But then again, missed opportunities are my forte. I also need to talk to Jennifer but I have sort of managed to play phone tag with her all day today. On top of everything, I have just come to a realization that generally, well, sucks....but yea, I think I am gonna go now because even though my dad is taking a break, he wants me to "come see him to discuss something" when I get done...and I'd prefer to get that over with...

(crystal, I <3>

Goodnight to all...
Much Love,
DeAnna

I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how
To let you go

2005-07-24T18:38:00.000-04:00

I put a link in the in my links section to my little test blog, it doesn't really have anything in it, it is just where I work on perfecting the html skills I have and learning new ones...If you ever see a set up or a picture or some other feature on there that you would like, let me know, and I should be able to hook you up with it...in fact I'd very much like to....it would make me feel special....haha. The set-up/background that I have on it currently seems fitting for a certain friend of mine...but yea...if you are EXTREMELY bored, check it out...

2005-07-24T16:55:00.000-04:00

Mood of the Moment: Kinda bored, but kinda happy, but kinda sad too...
Music of the Moment: Dashboard Confessionals - Standarsd Lines

Ok, so I have decided that getting your finger pricked is far worse than the massive needle that they use when you donate blood. I also hate the fact that they always keep those places so bloody cold....I mean, doesn't blood FLOW better when you ate warm? Oh well...it is still fun and interesting. I'm supposed to get a call in a few days about going to the winston place to donate platelets...haha, that is hardcore my friends....hardcore...haha....

But yea, I really have nothing else to talk about, and it is annoying because one of the fingers that I use the most when typing is now throbbing...I kinda wish that a friend of mine would call me....but I dont think he wants to....so yea...oh well.....I may post more later...
Much Love,
DeAnna

Which of these standard lines will we use?
"I've been meaning to call you,
I've just been so busy...
We'll catch up soon...
Let's make it a point to..."